Murderous Molly the Regulator
by DarthBetty
Summary: Molly is all alone in this world other than her close friend Chavez. All the things she loves are taken from her and now she might lose Chavez forever if she doesn't learn to release her emotions. Very in depth. Murder, passion, and betrayal.
1. The Morning

_It seemed that everyone who Tunstall took in was a renegade. We were people filled with hate and vengeance. Society despised and we only had one another. _

_The day he walked in, I saw the fury that was in his eyes. The absolute rejection he had from the world. I think that's why I loved him._

I got up early in the morning to see the sun rise again. To sit in wonder of how everything can turn from something so still to the sound of Stephen chewing his disgusting chewbacco in the morning. I climbed on top on Tunstall's house watching the sky reveal itself again. It doesn't seem fair, that people like us should be able to enjoy such liberties.

A crack on the ground. I caught him this time.

"Not today Chavez," I teased him. I heard him climb up behind me.

"Doesn't matter, last time I left a mark on your neck to remind you. It's good that you're learning." I hated that he reminded me of that, the scar on my neck still had wrapping on it. Chavez y Chavez put away his knife and sat beside me. I could barely make out his face in the dark, but I'd see him in a moment or two.

I sarcastically scolded him "I do love these strange games we play, Chavez."

"They are warrior tests, not games, Mariposa. One day I might actually kill you."

I punched him hard in the arm. I don't think I really hurt him. He didn't react. I felt foolish after doing it; I had revealed my weakness to him again. He just sat their like he always does. That same serious face, as if someone had just tried to kill him. He is so serious all the time. I think I'm the only person that can ever even get him to stop looking so angry. But I respect him for that, after all this time he still acts as if it were yesterday. As if his family was killed only moments before. 'A warrior must remain fierce to intimidate his opponent. A bear will not fear a laughing cub.' He said that once.

"You never told me what Mariposa means."

He turned to me with a stern gaze. "I never will."

"I could just ask someone who speaks Spanish."

"You won't, Mariposa, you'll miss the curiosity."

He was right. He is _always_ right. It makes me angry sometimes. Chavez doesn't speak much, but whenever he does he says always what is necessary and it's never too much.

The sun began to rise. A brilliant array of colors splashed the horizon. Filled with golden and blue wonders, I saw the planes more carefully. Chavez seemed to soak this in more than I could. He didn't even watch it. He just closed his eyes and waited for the soft rays of the sun to warm his face. It gave me a chance to look at him this morning.

Chavez is brilliant. The golden bars of the sun alighted his bronze skin making it shimmer; his shoulder length black hair fell behind him as the wind blew it in every direction. The world seemed to matter when he was around. Everything was so important, nothing was trivial. He always let me drone on about the dumbest things, and patiently sat their and actually listened to me. I didn't get the hostility in his voice that everyone else did. I don't know why. That question bothered me for a moment.

I had been staring at Chavez for so long, I had forgotten to pay attention to the sunrise. I missed it. I think he felt me staring at him because he calmly opened his eyes and looked at me. Those black coals, that turn me into a whimpering woman. I can never hold his gaze for long. He is so much stronger than I am.

"Why-" I began unsurely "Why, am I different?" He looked puzzled.

"I mean. Why are you nicer to me? Is it because I'm a woman?"

He smiled as if that were a foolish question. I knew it was.

"Mariposa, porque," He paused looking for the correct answer. He still looked at me. I guess that's a perk of being fearless. I didn't have to courage to look at him. I had to look away.

"Mariposa" He caught my attention by his laughter. "That is a stupid question."

My pride got the best of me and I began another _so called_ game we play. 'Who can kill the other first?' I pulled out my knife and tried to stab him in the chest. I knew he would block it. His muscular arms often win him the fight. He laughed at me again. I didn't think it was funny.

"We must work on your temper next."

"Aah!"

I lunged again. This time he was ready for me; he blocked me and pushed me away to the side. I fell. He pulled out his knife and attacked me. I forgot to mention that I actually fell off the building. Luckily, it wasn't that far of a drop and yes he was still trying to stab me.

"You have started something you will not win, Mariposa." He said mockingly.

I wanted to make him angry. "Shut up you dirty Mexican bastard." He stopped and stared. I really pissed him off now.

I waited for him to do something, but he did nothing he just stared. That's when I noticed he wasn't looking at me, but behind me. I turned to look.

A gentle prick pushed itself into my back.

"Got you." He whispered in my ear.

I pushed him away angrily and looked at my shirt. Their was a tear in it.

"You damn Indian… Look what you did!"

He shook his head disapprovingly and put away his knife. Tunstall then ran out of the house. His guns were in his hands.

"What the hell?" he voiced. For a moment he looked at both of us covered in dirt.

"Damn you two. If you're going to get in a fight please have the decency to do it while everyone is awake already. And Molly, stop sleeping outside. You'll die of cold."

"I wasn't sleeping outside." I mumbled.

He marched back in. Chavez and I looked at one another and I burst out in laughter. He just watched me…just like he always does.


	2. The Meeting

Later in the day, after Doc and Tungstall left into town, we all gradually reawakened and started our routine. Stephen began heckling Chavez and Chavez told me about his plans to cut Stephen's throat in the night. Dick, such an appropriate name for the man, rode around on his high horse pretending to be high surveyor over all. Charlie stood around trying to put two and two together while aimlessly wandering around the area. This is my family; how wonderful.

"Hey, Molly." It was Charlie.

"Yeah?"

"Can someone be a greaser and a bastard?" I gave him a dirty look.

"What?"

"You should ask Chavez, Charley"

He actually walked over there He actually walked up to Chavez while he was still fuming about Stephen, and asked him what the difference was. I almost could hear Chavez snap. He threw Charlie into the hog's den. It was quite funny. Stephen didn't think so. He started on Chavez again.

"You red-assed Mexican greaser. You do it with your horse! Mexican greaser!"

Chavez threatened him, but ultimately I knew nothing would happen. Chavez isn't stupid enough to kill someone because of what they said about him. I wish I could be that way.

"Cut me! Cut me there greaser!"

Dick rode up and tried to tell them off.

"Knock it off! You know better, Chavez!"

"Navajo! Navajo!"

"Enough. John's back. Now wash it up and in your supper clothes! NOW! Both of you!"

"Dick, just leave them alone. You know they do this everyday." I called at him.

"Now, you stay out of this Molly, just because you're a woman, don't think I won't come off of here and give you a good hit."

_What? _I felt my temper rise.

"Good. I don't expect you to make an exception, Dick." Emphasis on the Dick.

Chavez and Stephen stopped to watch.

"Molly, I'm the leader of us Regulators while John is away-"

"Then, it is good I have returned." John rode up behind us on his wagon with Doc and a young man in the back. He gave us all a warning look and we instantly calmed ourselves.

He took the wagon and put them away.

"John bring another hard case in?" Charley asked.

"Hope it ain't another Mexican." Stephen commented.

"Mexican-Indian, you son-of-a-bitch!"

John introduced us to this "Kid" in the back of his wagon. He always did have a soft spot for outcasts and when he sees someone with a certain "talent" he does what he can. His name was William H. Bonney. A short younger guy, with a spark in his eyes; he wasn't that bad to look at either. As John was talking, I caught his eye. He gave me a wink. I think I blushed.

John told him his place and put him in charge of the hogs. I don't believe he enjoyed that too much. He probably didn't enjoy Chavez throwing knives next to his face and giving him dirty looks either. I walked over to him. He smiled at me.

"Is he always that way?" He pointed at Chavez.

"Yes, he is."

"Should I take it personally?" He raised his gun. Chavez threw another knife; it came dangerously close to Billy's head. Billy didn't flinch, that scared me a little.

"No, you shouldn't." I told him.

Chavez marched down giving me the sternest stare I had ever gotten. _What is his problem?_ He ripped out his knives and marched back. Still staring at me.

"He doesn't seem to like _you._"

"He's just acting weird." I shrugged it off.

"So, what do you do here, doll?"

"I'm flattered really, but please don't call me 'doll'" I had my dagger at his throat.

"Alright…no more nicknames for you."

I smiled and removed it. "I don't know you well enough."

He paused. Then, I realized I hadn't answered his question.

"Same as everyone else."

Charlie interjected and started some ridiculous conversation.

"Hey, did you know pigs are as smart as dogs? It's true. I knew a fella in El Capitan... taught his pig to bark at strangers. What you doing here, body? We work for Mr. Tunstall as regulators. We regulate any stealing of his property. We're damn good at it too. Mr. Tunstall's got a soft spot for runaways---derelicts---vagrant types... But you can't be any geek off the street... you gotta be handy with the steel, if you know what I mean, earn your keep."

"You shouldn't take this one personally either. He's got dung for brains." I whispered to Billy. He laughed. I left them to continue their conversation. John caught me.

"Have you started dinner yet Molly?" I sighed.

"No." I hadn't really wanted too.

"Well, go on."

"John I'm tired of cooking, dammit."

"Now, young ladies should not use such words-"

"John! I am not a young lady. I'm a Regulator. And how am I supposed to 'regulate' if you've got me here cooking for everyone else. Cooking is for women, John!"

"Now, Molly—" Dick yelled our cue off in the distance.

"Everyone does their part here Molly. You cook. You do you're chores before Regulating. Now be off and prepare our meals."

"Goddammit!" I marched off towards the house. He called after me.

"Molly, stop cursing!"

Everyone except Billy, John, and I left. I was thoroughly pissed.


	3. The Memory 1

The morning he came it was blood red. The dawn, the sun, it scorched the plains. My father used to say that when much blood is spilt the morning will weep. That was true in his case. I can't remember why I was awake. I just remember a black figure. Stumbling along the backdrop of the sun. I was so young then, only 15. I had just lost my family. I had only been here for a month. And there he was, this mysterious figure casting the longest shadow I had ever seen. I think he looked up and saw me, before he fell to the ground.

I called to John and we both ran out to him. Doc followed with us, trying to keep me from coming. I was determined. Something stirred me. I felt something when I saw him. I hadn't felt anything since my family's death. Just numbness.

As we got closer John, edged me away and Doc held on to my shoulders as if I were some fragile doll. It made me angrier. John walked up to the boy, with a sense of uneasiness in his voice. It didn't seem like a good idea.

"Are you alright?" He bent down to the ground. The boy whipped out a knife and started slashing the air around him, yelling like a maniac. John jumped away and we all watched Chavez. A great fury was unleashed in the wind around him, an empathy reached us all. Chavez stabbed the ground instead, something that wouldn't move away from him. He just stabbed and stabbed and stabbed, until his strength left him and he collapsed on the ground screaming in agony. John just stood there looking at him, not knowing what to make out. Doc wouldn't let go of me. My anger was rising by the minute.

I felt a likeness to Chavez that day, a kindred ness. It is a wrath inside of me that had no other known outlet but to kill. I wanted so badly to just tell him we were alike, but I knew that wouldn't help him now._ They_ sure weren't helping; they just stood there staring at him.

I pried myself from Doc hands, screaming for him to let go of me. He did for a moment before seizing me and throwing me over his shoulder.

"Take her back to the house, Doc."

Couldn't John see? Couldn't he see that we were alike? I pleaded with my eyes to him.

"Wait. Let her go." He reluctantly did. Tunstall beckoned me towards him and I didn't obey. Instead I went right to Chavez.

Chavez knew I was walking towards him, but I don't think he cared right now. He sat collapsed on the ground with his shoulders hunched over him. I sat beside him. His hair was so long; it went all the way down his back. I never saw his face.

"Are you why the skies are red?"

Suddenly, he looked up at me with the dark passionate eyes…and my heart wept.

"Molly get away from him!" I ignored Doc.

Chavez grabbed me by the throat and pushed me into the ground; his knife pushing against my cheek.

"Molly!" John called.

The boy's hair fell all around my face, blurring my vision of anything. He was gritting his teeth; they made a sickening sound through the chaos. He moved himself on top of me, like a panther examining his prey. His eyes were like black diamonds, penetrating my gaze and draining the will I had to save him. They were the most vivid part of this memory. His face was stained with his bitter weeping, but those eyes remained furious. He removed his knife, but clenched his hand.

"Don't you dare take it out on me." I worded breathlessly. With all the might I had I looked him square in the eye and pulled out the dagger I hid under this ridiculous dress John made me wear. I stuck the end right next to his throat. He squeezed me more.

"The more you squeeze, the more I push." I pushed it further in his neck. He didn't seem affected. A small trickle began to poor from the wound I made. He waited for a few moments. His hair had made a curtain around us and the only thing I had sight of was his face. The boy gritted his teeth and muttered something to me.

"I'm not afraid of dieing." Desperate words.

"Good, I'm not either."

The forehead scrunched up and he released his choke on me. I removed my dagger but we both still lay on the ground looking at each other.

"Semejanza." His facial features soften relieving some of the anger, but revealing all of the pain. He saw it in me as well. This is what would bring us together. This is what would make us the wonderful companions we are today. Our unconventional likeness.


	4. The Mare

I took the supplies Doc and John brought back and prepared a meal. I almost spit in it. At least this was one thing I knew I was good at and that none of them knew how to do. Everyone here is handy with a pistol, so it isn't that big of a deal when you shoot 18 bottles off of John's roof in less than 2 minutes. It only creates a contest for power…which usually ends with a lot of threats and John breaking us up like children. I'm not a big pistol fan myself, the only reason I have one is because it belonged to my father. I prefer a rifle. It has more versatility. Besides, it gives me an opportunity when the boys can't finish off the idiots who run away from them and I get the pleasure of shooting them as they run away. Makes it more interesting really. And when I'm not shooting from afar, it's a great feeling to be able to sneak up beside someone with a dagger. Ah, good times.

Dinner was interesting. Well, as interesting as it can get. Billy was an added bonus and we found out more about him. After dinner Steve and Charley had to clean up the dishes and some other things John assigned them to do. Since there was time, I'll visit Hurricane.

"I think I'll go for a ride. Wanna come, Doc?" He looked at me apprehensively.

"Uh, I think I'll pass today, Molly."

Hurricane was my horse. My 'demon' horse as Doc so affectionately calls her. I don't see what the big deal is; she just doesn't like a lot of people.

The sun had already set on the plains and the only reason I could make out anything was because the moon was so bright tonight. Hurricane appeared at the sound of my whistle. John said that I had to keep Hurricane out of the stables because she used to disturb the other horses all the time. We don't actually know what Hurricane was doing to them, but they freak out when she goes in there. Luckily, Hurricane was too free spirited to be kept tied up or in the stables. I just let her do what she wants and when I need her I whistle. She is never to far away.

Apparently she was tonight, he ran back into the forest and disappeared..

"Where is the Demon Horse?" a soft voice from behind me asked.

"I'm not sure, maybe she found a man."

Chavez walked up beside me, searching the plains with his keen eyes.

"Call her again." He said. I obeyed.

We waited a moment and a wild galloping came from the left in the forest. There she was, my Hurricane. I ran further onto the plains, meeting her halfway. She was a beautiful horse in my opinion. No one else really appreciated her like I did. Her body was black but on her legs and rear it was dusted with white. I greeted Hurricane by kissing her nose. She pulled away and pranced around me. Hurricane was always full of energy and so excited to do anything. Chavez approached slowly.

"I can never tell if she likes me."

"I think she's just 'used' to you." Hurricane charged at him as Chavez quickly ran out of the way. Hurricane ran back to the forest.

"You stupid horse." I sighed. _I guess I won't be riding tonight. _

"Not as 'used to me' as you think, Mariposa."

Why did Chavez follow me out here anyway? I knew he had something to say. When something is on his mind he makes this concentrated look on his face, remains quiet, and looks at the ground. So, I waited for it, but he didn't say anything. He just searched the plains for a phantom, making it really awkward for us to be standing in the dark outside, not doing or saying anything. So, I pulled that sort of fake angry voice and asked,

"What do you want anyway, Chavez?" He took a big breath.

"I need to share some things with you." He was nervous…which was odd. He kept shifting his feet and moving his eyes everywhere but at me. I have **never** seen him this way before. It concerned me.

"Some things that I have not been able to say," Chavez grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes. I've seen Chavez be serious before, Hell he's like that everyday, but this is different. A new emotion that was hard to place. Those eyes…so penetratingly strong; I felt as if I were under a haze or an old Indian spell.

"What is it, Jose?" I used his first name so he would understand that I was taking this as seriously as he was. He stammered in his face, opening and closing his mouth wordlessly. This is so unlike him. I think he was trying to open up to me after 4 years; he was ready to tell me what he thought. He was letting himself become weak in order to express his true feelings. Was I ready for him to do that? I blurted out something stupid; it's what I normally do around him.

"Is it about this morning?"

He caught my eye again, changing his expression entirely.

"No." He gritted his teeth.

Now, it was anger or annoyance. I couldn't place it. It reminded me of the day when I asked him if the skies were red because of him. I'm afraid he might push me into the ground again. Sometimes I forget that Chavez is a _very_ dangerous man.

He let go of my arm and walked uneasily back and forth once. Oh no, I've ruined it. Damn. I always do dumb things like this, and then I ruin it even more by getting angry at him.

"Well, then why were you so angry at me this morning!?"

I shouldn't even be bringing that up. It was nothing and it hadn't even bothered me, but I made it into something bigger for sake of argument.

He fiercely strode back to me grabbing both of my arms and pulling me close to him. Fury was in his eyes. I pleaded with him, calming myself again.

"What is wrong, Aguilo?" His eyes widened and he relaxed his hold on me.

"I just don't want you around Billy." Billy? What does he have to do with us? I'm extremely confused now.

"Why???" I asked.

"He is dangerous."

"_You're_ dangerous, Chavez."

"But I love you Mariposa. I'm not going to hurt you." This wasn't the first time he had shared this to me. I knew that he meant he loved me as a sister but it still gave me chill bumps down my neck and arms. It certainly wasn't helping that he had now relaxed his grip on me so much that he began rubbing my arms gently back and forth.

Something still didn't fit here. It's ridiculous that Chavez doesn't like Billy. He has nothing strongly dislike him for. So, why all of this?

"Are you jealous!?" I blurted out of my mouth with a big smile on my face.

He didn't answer which I knew was confirmation. He pulled apart from me and looked away. I laughed for a bit, until I lost my naivety, realizing that he actually was jealous. I really didn't know what to say. Or how to react.

"This is stupid, mariposa." He said with a laugh. I wasn't falling for it. I must say I was very amused with this situation, but more scared than ever. My heart was racing faster than it ever does.

"Aguilo," I walked up to him and moved his wild hair from his eyes, creating a sense of connection from the name I had given him when I was young. He turned to me with his rough hands on my arms again.

"Don't be jealous." I smiled at him and he smiled back. My heart fluttered. I had to pull myself far away. _Don't get your hopes up Molly. Just don't get your hopes up he doesn't feel that way. Why should he? Why should he love a woman who thinks she's a man? A woman who wears pants and button shirts and cuts her hair so she looks more like a man? This is ridiculous Molly, just back away from him. _I did, I listened to myself and sunk into my own cowardice. My own fear to show any once of affection for another human being. Chavez loves me as his sister, but I have never told him how much I simply adore him. How every time I look at him my heart races and I forget what I'm doing. I've never even said that I remotely cared about him before and now I do this simple gesture and start freaking out about revealing too much of myself. Chavez is the only person I have ever trusted, but my heart will not let me break down those walls. This is really pissing me off.

And Chavez! He wanted to-well I don't know exactly what he wanted to tell me, but it wasn't all of this nonsense I had brought up. I hate myself.

As I had pulled away from him, Chavez had a contemptuously look on his face. He smiled at me.

"What!?" I asked in outrage.

"Still afraid, Mariposa?"

"Why do you know me so well…" I mumbled turning away from him. Chavez wrapped his strong arms around my shoulders. I leaned into his chest breathless. He's never hugged me before. Even his breathing was strong and secure.

"It's alright. I'll be strong for you."

He was always like that. The most wonderful thing in the world can be knowing that someone will be their to care for you. Chavez was like that with me.

John called us in for 'reading time'.


	5. The Memory 2

(((Don't mind this; the author is rambling. I'm sorry if I leave out dialogue or change it, but this story is primarily about Chavez and Molly….Yeah, I think that's it. Thanks for reading. I apologize for my horrible writing skillz.)))

_Aguilo means 'eagle' in Spanish._

After Chavez arrived, he stayed locked up in the bunk house. I was absolutely terrified of him and those eyes began haunting my dreams at night. I begged John to let me speak with him, but he advised that it wasn't a good idea.

"Molly, we have to give him time."

"What happened to him Mr. Tunstall?"

"It isn't my place to ask or say."

"Probably something to do with that reservation." Doc suggested.

"What happened up there?"

They became quiet. Doc spoke up.

"Red Sand Reservation or something like that, right John?"

"Yes…" He answered slowly.

"Over two hundred Indians there found murdered."

"No!"

"I'm afraid so, Molly."

"His whole family…and he's the only one?"

"It would appear so."

"That's horrible" Empathy filled my veins. John put a hand on my shoulder.

"It seems this boy has much in common with you, Molly. You may be able to help him. I doubt he will want to listen to us."

"And with what happened two months ago… You seem like the only one he wouldn't kill." Doc said hopefully.

"Or the only one…." I mumbled. The only reason he didn't kill me was because I stuck a knife in his throat.

"I….I'll try."

That was it. They would leave him alone and I wouldn't. How odd.

That night I brought him dinner in the bunk house. Doc stayed at the house that night and I would probably end up sleeping on the roof again. I really didn't feel like taking food to a darkly lit room filled with a rage filled Indian, John usually did it, but I guess that I had to speak with him again at some point.

Of course it was pitch black…Lucky me.

"Hello?"

Slowly I walked inside the bunk house, carrying a tray of soup I had cooked earlier. It was practically falling out of the bowl considering how much I was shaking it.

It seemed like hours while I stood there with that soup. It had been quite annoying.

Suddenly he appeared and grabbed the tray I held stopping the shaking in an instance. Frozen I stared at him. He peered up at me from the darkness and I let go of the tray. Snatching it he stalked away. I followed him to the bed he sat down at.

He ate and I waited.

"What's your name?" I asked in a very sheepish voice. He didn't answer. I couldn't even see him in the black, but I was sure he was glaring at me.

"My name's Molly and…" I could hear him ravenously eating the soup.

"Umm, you don't have to stay in here all the time." Now, I could tell he was glaring because I abruptly heard him stop chewing.

"What I mean is…. I know you don't sleep at night because…well, I can hear you...the screams I mean. I sleep on John's roof." The bowl clanged on the table as he threw it down.

"I scream?" His voice was soft and like that of a surprised child.

"Yes, I did that for a month after coming here. So, I think it's normal"

He remained silent.

"It helps…to talk to someone about it or do something to take your mind off of the pain.. I stay up and look at the stars."

"You know…you know of pain?" He seemed angry. I got up. He was starting to scare me and this bunkhouse was really dark which didn't add to the mood.

"Yeah, more than a little of pain. You can join me if you want." I said hopefully. As I left for the door he spoke again.

"My name is Jose Chavez."

He didn't join me that night or the night after…I didn't really expect him too. Then, on one dark evening as I lay atop John's house with my dagger and my father's prized pistol, I felt a cold jagged edge put itself to my throat. As I awoke a hand was pressured on my mouth and someone whispered in my ear

"Tell no one I am here." It was Chavez.

"You didn't have to do that."

I wanted to call him a curse word but I didn't think it was a wise idea. He sat next to me with a big skinned animal thing.

"What is that?"

"A buffalo hide."

"Did you kill that?

He sighed as if he were annoyed. "Yes…"

I shut myself up to not make this any more awkward. We sat there for a while looking at all the stars in the sky. His hair was so long, that I still hadn't gotten a clear look at his face and I was too scared of him to look now. An hour passed and then he said something I hadn't expected.

"Tell me of your pain." He looked up at me and I him.

"It is nothing compared to yours." Under all of that hair was a face. He reminded me of an eagle. Strong, silent, and swift.  
"I still wish to know." His eyes made me weak. They zapped any will I had, just like before on the plains.

"Only if for everything you want to know about me, you will answer the same for your self."

He paused for a moment and peered at me with a raised eyebrow.

"I like you." He said with distaste. He slapped me hard on the back.

Ouch. _He's a strange guy._

"I'll take that as a yes…."  
He kept looking…no glaring at me with those eyes of his. Poor guy, couldn't have actually meant to stare me down while he's asking for my life story.

"My father was half Apache and half white; his outlaw name was 'The Apostle'. I have no idea of my father's real name, he just always told me it wasn't important. My mother was an Irish immigrant named Rory Sheridan. She had a sick brother named Ronan. They were poor so she had to join a dancing brothel in order to pay for the doctor's bills. She was famous for her beauty and her stage name was the Dancing Diamond."

I pulled out a photo of her and my father and gave it to him. I always keep it with me.

"Anyway, my father fell in love with her and wanted to take her away from the business. She wouldn't leave because of her brother so 'the Apostle' started taking up bounties, earning money for them and Ronan. When he raised enough money, he took her away from the city and settled her out here. Later Ronan got better and moved away. Ten years later they were murdered on my birthday. I was 9. My father had given me this pistol."

"She was very beautiful. It makes me sad to look at her." Chavez handed the picture back to me. I put it away and brought out my pistol letting it gleam in the moonlight.

"Your father gave this to you when you were nine years?"

"Yes, my dad had two identical ones. He put my initials in this one. MB."

"I thought you didn't know his last name."

"I don't . When I was younger my father used to put me on his shoulders and call me Molly Butterfly. That's what it stands for."

Chavez and I paused for a moment as I relished in the memory.

"What happened to the other?"

I shook my head. "Lost in the fire I guess. Tiberius, that was his name. He was my mother's old boss. He tracked her down here and killed both of them in their sleep. Then, he sat the house on fire."

"So, you have been here since you were nine?"

"No, sadly enough that didn't happen. When my parents were murdered my uncle Ronan came and fetched me, stealing all of our family's possessions that were salvageable. His wife's name was….Susan. Every night he beat her. And every night he beat me. She would get the worse out of the beating though, because when she would stick up for me He would take it out on her. That's how I got into the habit of sleeping on roofs. I used to have to hide up on our roof to escape him. One night he came home drunk and beat my aunt to death. So, I shot him in the chest 3 times with my father's pistol, set the house on fire, and left. That was 3 months ago. A month before you got here."

We had a comfortable silence.

"Well?" I said. He gave me a confused look.

"Well what?"

"Tell me."

He sighed and looked at me angrily.

"Trust me, it will help if you tell someone."

"Red Sand Creek Reservation."

He said it with all the meaning in the world. It was the most important thing he had.

He spoke of his tale with such pride and love. Everything he had ever known was taken from him from an old business man. Just like me. But he lost more, it feels like he lost more.

"Semejanza," he spoke to me.

"It means 'likeness' Mariposa. Because we are so alike and so different."

_Mariposa? _"What does that mean?"

"I didn't like you name so I changed it."

I sat for while pondering this unreal thing that was happening.

"I don't like your name either. You have a Spanish name and Indian descent. I'll call you Aguilo."

"Eagle?"

"Yeah, it's the only Spanish word I know. You fit the description anyway."

We sat again in silence before he asked me another question.

"Why do you cut your hair?"

"My uncle used to pull on it all the time and call me his little porcelain doll. I've been cutting it at my shoulders ever since. Why is your hair so long?"

"It is a tradition with my people to leave it to grow."

"Well, you should cut it. It helps to start again. It will give you a sense of a new life beginning again without the memories."

"Maybe I would like to keep them."

"Memories are a sharpened knife. They will only stab you. You _can_ create new ones Aguilo."

He sighed as I heard the anger release in his breaths. For awhile I called him Aguilo, but it never lasted everyone called him Chavez so I ended up doing it as well. He still always called me Mariposa. 


	6. The Messenger

(((Don't mind this; the author is rambling. I'm not really sure how long the distance was between New Years and Billy's arrival. So, I made it kinda long because I figured that Billy would have needed to stay with Tunstall for while in order to grow attached to him. Yes, there are other factors that can be said about Billy's stay and blah blah blah, but I like the idea of him being there for longer than the movie shows. What else? This chap. Is primarily dialogue and it is here for a reason I promise. It isn't random. Thanks for reading. I would appreciate some reviews. Thanks Migrating Coconuts. I apologize for my horrible writing skillz. Oh, yeah, won't be writing for a week so it'll be awhile before the next chapter.)))

I was awaken the next morning by a very angry Doc.

"Leggoa me!" I slurred while sitting up in my bed.

"Molly, you gotta come outside."

"Wha? Is to early."

"There someone outside who's looking for you and he won't leave until you go out there."

"Alright, I'ma comin."

"Hurry up and get dressed." Doc slammed the door on the way out.

Begrudgingly I sat up in bed and put my trousers on, leaving my black hat in my room. My hair was wild and needed a haircut; it had reached my shoulders. My button shirt was tucked in or hardly buttoned, but I charged outside with my father's pistol ready to kill the reason I had to get up.

All the boys were out there except Dick and Tunstall. I was informed later they went to town. When I walked outside I saw the strangest thing in the world. Their was a big Indian man sitting on a fat horse. He was dressed just like an Indian too, except on the sides of his head his hair was missing and a long trail of the hair he did have ran down his head and neck. When he saw me, a wide grin appeared on his face and he jumped off his horse calling me something weird.

"My wife!" His arms were outstretched and he ran up to me grabbing me in a big bear hug and literally picked me off of the ground.

"My beautiful wife! Where have you been for so long? It has taken me forever to find you. How grown up you have become my lovely!"

He set me down on the ground and put his hand on my cheeks. I was speechless.

"I have not seen you since you were this little." He put his hand down beside his waist. My anger and annoyance at the confusion was building up.

"This is the greatest day, in along while!" He hugged me again. I could hear the boys laughing at us.

"Get the hell off of me!" I kicked him in the gut and he let me go.

"You little temptress. I love you even more!" He said smiling.

"Who the hell are you!? What the hell are you doing here!? And where in the hell have you seen me before!?" I backed away from the tall muscular man.

"Oh my wife. How sad I am to see you so upset. Please calm down."

"I AM NOT YOUR WIFE!" I kicked him in the knee caps to bring him down to the ground and put my knife at his throat.

"Yes, you are my love…let me prove it to you."

"Molly, leave the guy alone. He just misses you that's all." Billy said in between snickers.

"Yeah, Molly can't you see how much he loves you?" Charley added in.

"Geez, Molly I never really realized you was a woman." Stupid Steve.

I ignored the best I could and let go of the Indian. He got off of the ground and beamed at me.

"That dagger you have, where did you get it?" He pointed at it.

"I uh...what does it matter!?"

"That was a gift from me to you when you were just a child."

"That's not true! I found this at my uncle's house."

"You have not asked how I saw you when you were so young."

"God dammit! Yes I did!"

"Oh…my beautiful wife I am so sorry! You know nothing of me! I am so foolish!"

"You speak very odd for an Indian."

"I was taught by the best English teachers of the day! Now, my little pretty thing allow me to tell you our life story!"

"This guy's giving me headache." Doc said.

"Why don't you come in for some tea first?" Billy asked politely, obviously mocking John. _What?_

"Billy!" I yelled at him.

"Such wonderful friends you have surrounded yourself with my wife."

"STOP CALLING ME WIFE!" My temper broke. It was gone, lost looking for a refuge because my rage was about to be unleashed. The big Indian had turned his back to me and began to walk inside so I saw this as a good opportunity. As I lunged forward with my dagger, someone grabbed me and held me back. It was freaking Chavez.

"Damn you, Aguilo!"

"Control yourself!" He let go of me, but held on to one of my arms. I breathed and breathed and breathed.

"He still pisses me off."

"Let's just go inside and see what he wants."

"Why are you so cool about this? You get jealous because I talk to Billy but when a big Indian says I'm his husband and tries to strangle me with love…you don't budge!"

Chavez laughed at me. I mean truly laughed at me and brought me inside.

Everyone had been set neatly at the table just like table pieces. I sat beside Billy and Doc, wanting to avoid Chavez when I tried to kill the Indian again.

"Now if you will be so kind to enlighten us-" Doc said with a heap of sarcasm.

"And tell us your name." I added in.

"My little one does not know my name!" He stood up and waved his arms in the air.

"I am Setting Sun! Son of Setting Moon and Falling Star! Betrothed to Soaring Butterfly 20 years ago on your day of birth!"

"What? How do you know that name!?"

"My dearest and most beautiful one. I was 8 years of age when you were born and as I looked into your bright eyes, I saw colors which have never crossed me before! And I see now that you still carry them with you!"

He meant that I have hazel eyes. They are dark blue on the outside, green around the blue, and brown, red, and orange on the inside. Most people don't even notice them until the sun hits my eyes directly.

"Where the hell would they have gone!?"

"My lovely is a temptress. I beg you do not treat me this way, my dearest one. When I have searched for you so long!" He was being extremely histrionic.

"Ignore her and tell us the story!" Charley entered the conversation out of now where and he seemed overly excited about it too.

"Yes, of course I will tell our tale of love! But only if my lovely permits."

"Just shut the hell up and start already!" I stood up yelling. Doc and Billy pulled me back down.

"Very well. Your father's father's name was Priest, my little short haired beauty."

"You mean my grandfather? And stop complementing me!"

"Of course he means your grandfather who else would he be talking about?" Charley said.

"Priest was a powerful and well respected Apache leader. Until he fell in love with a white woman and had 'the Apostle', then he was kicked out of our tribe. My father was great friends with your father, he used to visit 'Priest' and 'the Apostle' often. My father Setting Moon was a great Warrior and he would not abandon his friendship with Priest and 'the Apostle'. So, he left the Apache and started a new tribe. Priest became the leader of that tribe, but when 'the Apostle' was older, he left to become a gunslinger with the white men. Many years later, Apostle came to visit us with his pregnant wife. She gave birth in our tribe to a young girl. This is when I saw you and this is when I told the Apostle that you would be my wife." He sat down proud of his tale.

I sat very quietly and after a few moments spoke up.

"Why now?"

"I visited when you were a small one, but after 'the Apostle's' death I could not find you. I left that dagger with your parents to give to you when you were old enough to use it."

I was quiet again. Everyone was quiet. Even Steve had stopped his rude comments in the back which we had all been ignoring. Setting Sun spoke up.

"I apologize my wife, for bringing up this topic while you are grieving your memories, but will you come away with me now?"

Everyone's head turned to me. I stood up very slowly.

"HELL NO!"

For a moment he looked hurt, but then he just dramatically clutched his chest and walked outside.

"Everyone stay in here, please." I followed him outside. He was mounting his horse when he saw me and giggled with excitement as he picked me up in his arms again.

"My wife, I knew you would never let me leave you!"

"Pur.."

"What is that my wife?"

"I.."

"Oh, I am squeezing too tightly!" I was placed on the ground.

"Now, listen here you crazed damn Indian. I am not your wife and I will never be your wife!"

"You came out here to tell me that? That cannot be all, my lovely."

"No…it isn't. I want to learn more about your tribe...I mean our tribe."

"Then, come with me and I will take you there."

"No! Just tell me where it is and I will visit someday."

"You promise this?"

"Yes…I promise."

"This is good. For I am but a messenger of my people and my heart!"

What a pathetic line. As he rode away I gazed into the house and saw 5 pairs of eyes watching…and laughing…Bastards.

When Dick and Tunstall arrived home everyone was practically jumping over fences to tell them what happened. I stayed in my room filled with embarrassment. That night I lay awake in bed (it was to cold for being outside) I wondered about Setting Sun and the tribe that he had started. I was very excited to visit one day and learn more about my heritage. The Irish side of it was doing me any good.

John later came in and told me that he, Billy, and I would go shopping next week for New Years. Why do I need to shop?


	7. The Modification

((If you're a Chavez more than Molly fan I'm forewarning you that this one has a lot of Molly, John and kinda Billy in the beginning, but I promise Chavez is in here! It's longer than most of my chapters, but I kept adding 'scenes'. After this one, I promise their will be a lot more Chavez.))

The next week came quicker than I thought it would. I guess I was kind of in a daze thinking about Setting Sun and my heritage. I was even able to laugh about it after a while, only to myself of course. The guys wouldn't let me off the hook and I got regular side remarks from Doc and Billy. Chavez didn't really comment too much, but he found it amusing. I _hope_ he did.

Finally, the day I had been dreading came around too soon. It was the day John Billy and I would go into to Lincoln for New Years...something. John was still very adamant about not releasing me the information on what exactly we would be buying. I figured that it was food for a feast…that I would be made to cook. I ended up being very wrong.

"John, why are we going into a clothing store?"

"To buy clothes of course Molly."

"Yeah Molly, what kinda stupid are you?"

I glared at Billy; he laughed and went inside.

"Why do I need clothes John?"

"Molly, you've grown into an extravagant young woman and all young women need at least one dress."

"Dress? Why do-"

"I'm taking us all to the New Years Party tomorrow night."

I've never been to the New Years party before. The last time John took us was when I was still 16. I had been injured by Hurricane (who wasn't used to me) and I had to stay home with Chavez. He offered to take care of me. Even though 'taking care of me' was him just making sure I didn't try and ride Hurricane again. I sighed at John.

"So you're going to buy me a dress."

"Yes."

"And I have to wear it."

"Yes."

I can truly say that I love John. Every chance he gets he tries to make me into a young lady; and every time I turn him down. He has done so many great things for me; it's time I stopped being so damn stubborn and humor him at least. Even if it is just for one night.

"Alright."

"What?"  
"I'll wear it, but it better not be uncomfortable."

He beamed at me.

"Molly, you amaze me."

"Yadda yadda yadda. Let just go in a get this over with."

He put his hand on my shoulder and we walked into the store. The first thing I noticed was Billy chatting up the blonde haired clerk. She was putty in his hands. Feeble minds. As we entered she saw me and a big smile appeared on her face. I was definitely scared. She ran over and took me in her hands, screaming with glee.

"So this is the young woman! John, you do her no justice she is at least ten times more beautiful than you told me." I wanted to slap her. I settled for an angry grunt.

"Well, Miss Marigold I'll leave her with you. I need to settle some things with Billy and his clothes as well."

_Marigold? Are you kidding me? I'm not calling her that. _I couldn't believe that John was leaving me with this woman. She was a bundle of happy, perky energy. And I was a load of bitterly sarcastic energy. This would not go well.

"How on earth can you live like this!?" She was referring to my clothes.

"These are men's clothes, certainly not fit for a princess."

_Oh my God. I'm going to die. God, please just take me now._ Miss Marigold dragged me into the back of her shop and began looking me over.

"The first thing we need to do is find out your colors! Ah, you're eyes are a strange shade and it's too bad you're hair is so dark…You would make a wonderful blond." _She would make a wonderful corpse._

"I think a shade of emerald is best for you my dear. It will clash wonderfully with your black hair and your eyes. I am very surprised at your skin though."

She held up my arm like it was an antique.

"Why?"

"It looks like you've been living with savages you're entire life…..so it surprises me that your skin would be so fair and pale."

"It's about the only feminine thing I take care of."

"Hmm." She looked me over again.

"Go and take off those clothes and put this on." She handed me a night gown.

"What?"

"I cannot measure you in these man clothes! Now put this on."

After I had put the night gown on she made me stand on a box while she took my measurements. At least the night gown was comfortable; it felt like silk against my skin. She kept pinching me in every place I could imagine with whatever it was that she was using. Finally when she was done she said that I could leave.

"Keep the gown, it looks good on you."

"Uh, thanks."

I bolted outside like a racehorse with my new gown in my arms.

"I hope that ain't what you're wearing." Billy pointed at my gown.

"No. You look good Billy. Wasn't aware you could clean up."

He gave me a mischievous smile and a wink. I probably shouldn't have said that.

"I wouldn't mind if you wore that nice gown to the party."

He walked closer to me. This was very confusing. I think he was coming on to me. He had a twinkle in his eye and that darn crooked smile. Good thing John came out just in time to take us home.

As we rode back in the cart, I noticed that Billy had been practicing pulling out his guns over and over again in his new outfit. He had even shot at a few things. Only he knew what he was aiming at. I was curious as to why Billy had his outfit on and I didn't have one with me. 'And if I was getting it later, what would happen?' and I had a lot of other questions as well, but I really didn't care right now. I was just glad I wasn't wearing a dress.

After dinner I climbed on John's roof; Chavez followed me up there. That night we slept outside. He never said a word to me; he just sat beside me and looked at the stars. It was wonderful.

The next day came quicker than I wanted it to. About midday Miss Marigold visited us, and locked me up in my room. She spent the next three grueling hours cleaning, primping, and dressing me for the party. I was miserable. She took my shoulder length curls and wrapped them behind my head leaving all of my split ends trailing around my neck. When I asked why she wasn't pinning them up she replied,

"Molly, it looks very becoming to have curls unnaturally fall and frame your face. We will leave it."

I protested.

"But it's really annoying and I have to swipe them out of my face!"

She wouldn't budge.

Next, after I had bathed, it took her an hour to put the damn dress on me. I must say I was very pretty, even though I still believe pretty things have no place on my body or in my thoughts. It was emerald green and very simple. Well, it looked very simple, underneath was a maze of strings and corset things and ties. The corset pulled my stomach together to make me look like an hourglass. And the trail of the dress was extremely long, but at least it wasn't fluffy. I had to keep pointing out the good things about it so I wouldn't murder her. Thank God I didn't have long sleeves. They were short and hung off of my shoulders revealing a lot of my neck. That made me very uncomfortable, but in the end I was very satisfied with my appearance and attitude. I had succeeded in complaining about every aspect of the dress and how it fit me only to annoy the hell out of _Miss Marigold_. Now, she was as angry as I was.

"We are almost done and then I can happily leave."

"Good."

She pulled out a bottle of liquid and sprayed it on me. It smelled like sunshine and giggles. I almost vomited.

"What is that!?"

"It's all the rave now. Lavender Pearl."

"Gross!"

She scoffed and began to barge out.

"Wait!" I yelled to her.

"What?"

"Where am I supposed to put my dagger?"

Marigold stared at me with wide, open eyes and then laughed extremely loud. She left. _Thank God._

I stayed in my room for another thirty minutes, to embarrassed to leave. John came in to pull me out.

"Molly, you look fine. Come out."

"I know I look fine! That's my problem!"

"Explain."

"Look John, for 5 years I have been trying to establish respect among the boys. You know that all I wan from them is the same respect that they show to one another."

"You're confusing me."

"I do not want to be thought of as a woman, John! I want to just be another Gunslinger. Not a woman who happens to have a gun."

"Oh, I see. You're afraid that because you are doing this, you will always be thought of as a little girl who trails around with a bunch of men."

"Exactly!"

"And how many times have they treated you like a little girl?"

"Well this week-"

"Molly, you are who you are. And whether or not you like it, you are a woman. Albeit a very feisty and tough woman, but they will always see you for who you are."

"Now I'm confused."  
"In some sense they will always see you as a woman. And I think deep down you do not want to lose all of your femininity. Molly, think about what it would be like if they truly treated you like a man."

Many disgusting and terrifying pictures came into my head. The worst was the thought that I would not be as close to Chavez as I am now.

"Good point."

"This is just one exception to your otherwise manly nature. You cannot tell me that they do not treat you like a peer."

"Another good point." John held out his arm.

"Besides I'm sure Chavez will enjoy this more than any of them." I took it angrily.

"Yeah…" I mumbled not believing him.

We walked outside as we heard Billy laughing like a maniac on John's roof and the boys staring at him in amazement. It was the bad kind of amazement. As he cackled I closed the door behind us and walked out more to look at him. Then, something strange happened. As I watched him laughing he turned to me with that crooked smile still on his face and froze. This started a chain reaction from the others. Their heads in unison turned to what he was looking at, which was a very foreign looking woman on their property. They froze. I looked from Billy to them and smiled.

"Molly!" Doc exclaimed. I stopped him before he said something else.

"Shut-up, Doc."

"I just…I mean…wow…"

"You uh look different." Chavez said slowly. I ignored them and turned to John.

"Let's dance." He said perfectly. He was trying to get the focus off of me. I think it worked….until I saw Hurricane.

For a couple of minutes I just stared at her and I think she was staring right back at me.

"How are you gettin' on?" Charley asked.

"Gee, Charley, I hadn't figured that out yet." Idiot.

Hurricane jumped at my touch.

"You'll have to ride her side saddle."

"But I don't use a saddle. Hurricane can't stand it."

"Ride with me." Billy held out his hand. For a moment I hesitated, thinking of Chavez, but I took it. As I began to hop up Chavez rode in front of Billy blocking us. He grabbed me and effortlessly lifted me on his own horse. His face was angry of course. We rode off leaving Billy a little perplexed. Chavez took off quickly making me desperately cling to him so I wouldn't fall off. I heard Billy giggle behind us. Chavez remained firm and stiff. It was awkward. I almost wished I was riding with Doc…almost. I _was_ holding on to Chavez. I could feel his muscular chest and abs, which made me extremely nervous.

While we rode I guess I was kind of angry because of how he had handled me. But the girlish side of me was swept away. It _did_ feel like I was swept away. I smiled a little; this is his way of telling me he loves me. _Stop it Molly. You're doing it again. Stop acting so weird; this isn't you. That's the dumbest thing you've ever said 'this is his way of telling me he loves me'; don't be absurd! Stop adding things where there is no hidden meaning. You don't fantasize or blush. Hold on to Chavez as if this were nothing._ That was impossible.

I let my mind wander. Chavez looked very nice tonight. His hair was pulled back and brushed, which isn't a regular occurrence. He also didn't have a ton of clothes on. It was a simple shirt with a bandana tied around his neck. Who knows why that was there…of course he always does look wonderful. His hair even smelled good. Like a sweet oil, but not to sweet; it had just enough of a strong manliness to be sweet. I can't describe him correctly. I never can, not even to myself. He's just too perfect. Tall, dark, mysterious, brooding, handsome, muscular, strong willed, and he doesn't blabber a lot like I do. I think another reason I loved him so much was because of how hard it is to know him. Five years since his tragedy and he has still only spoken about it with me. Sometimes I get so stupid and emotional thinking about that. Thinking about how he trusts me enough to tell me his secrets. But….it makes me hate myself even more. My own stupidity and how I still get absolutely terrified of emotions...of contact. He is so stronger than I am.

"You're being unusually quiet." He turned to glance at me. We were at the back of the line. The boys were laughing at something ahead. I hadn't even realized where we were.

"Uh."

It's really hard to talk or think when you're pulled out of your own thoughts.

He laughed.

"You don't have to talk, Mariposa."

_I love you so much it hurts. _He laughed at me again.


	8. The Masquerade

We arrived just as the party began. Chavez refused to allow me to jump off the horse so I had to jump into his arms. Greatest moment of my life.

After the obviously awkward incident of him catching me and then asking why I was breaking out into hives, I ran off into the storm of people around us hoping to run from my own embarrassment. It kind of worked…..

For about thirty minutes I succeeded in hiding away from the townspeople and the Regulators. No one recognized me and I stayed perfectly content in the shadows. I was really happy…until I saw John. A big smiled stretched across his face as he found me and began dragging me around. He showed me off, like his daughter. He offered me to men for a dance. Part of me was extremely angry about all the idiots I turned down 'nice and calmly', but a hidden side was filled with happiness to bring him this much joy. He was positively beaming. I was so happy that he loved me like this, like a daughter. It made me want to cry…well for a second it did.

"John, no more."

"Wait Molly, just one more person and then you're free. And if a young gentleman asks for a dance, please be a young lady and oblige him."

All for John.

"Alright…."

The next person was a man I had never even seen around here before. I kept wondering where Chavez was. Billy was dancing like a maniac on the floor. Charley, Billy, and the new kid, who I really kind of forgot existed, were drinking. Doc was kind of walking around smiling at everyone and Dick…..I don't really know what Dick was doing. _Where is Chavez?_

"Hello Edgar!"

"John Tunstall you old devil!"

A man close in age to John embraced him. He wore very odd and colorful clothes. He was British like John.

"Back from India already, Edgar?"  
"It's only been 10 years!"

They laughed at one another. Beside Edgar was a man close to my age, he had bright green eyes and short blonde hair. He looked very pristine and clean. He was way to pretty of a man.

"This is my son Elliot."

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Tunstall. My father talks often of you."

Yuck, he sounded so sweet.

"This is Molly, she is-"

"I'm his daughter!" I blurted like an American. John looked shockingly at me. I was tired of him introducing me as a business partner or a friend.

"My, my John. I hadn't realized you had a daughter. What a doll. She looks nothing like you of course!" I grimaced at 'doll'. John laughed nervously.

"Well, I've just met Elliot now and they must be the same age. She is my adopted daughter."

"Then, Elliot and Molly should dance." Edgar suggested.

"Yes, I would enjoy that." Elliot's accent was annoyingly nasal. So was his charm. Elliot took my hand and led me to the dance floor. Great, a slow song. I hated this. And I hated that Elliot kept looking me in the eyes as I tried to pry mine from his.

"So, how did you meet John?" Uncomfortable….

"I stumbled upon him."

"How do you mean?"  
"Well, it's kind of personal."

"Oh, you can tell me." This idiot was about to get a punch to the face. Not only was he digging deeper than he belonged, but with every moment he was pulling me closer to him. _I need Chavez._

"No really I can't." I pushed away and he pulled me back. I don't think that he was a pervert, but maybe I just was one girl who didn't fall prey to his charms. He seemed like a perv. I was being unusually lenient towards him.

"Don't worry. You don't have to be afraid." Now, I was getting angry.

"I'm not." I mumbled pushing away from him; he pulled me back. I thought of John and Chavez.

"Just dance with me." He smiled, still acting so calm and charmingly. I pushed away; he pulled me back.  
Then, _he_ left _me_.

I saw a fist ram into his cheek and Elliot fell to the floor. Two rough hands grabbed my waist and pulled me out of the crowd. I was laughing.

Chavez spun me around and grabbed my arm dragging me into a shed. He threw me up against the wall. I stopped laughing.

He pushed his body up against mine, his eyes and inch from mine. My heart was pounding.

We were silent for a moment. Then I bursted with anger,

"Whadya do that for!?" I yelled into his face. He didn't move. He had ruined this whole moment I was fantasizing in my head. 'Chavez saving me from a pervert; my beautiful Indian savior.' He didn't have to push me into the freaking wall

"I'm sorry. I just….I was so angry at myself."

"Well, don't take it out on me!" I paused after this.

"Wait, what? You're angry at _yourself_?" That's even stupider.

"You do not need me taking care of you, every moment."

I stared at him for a couple of minutes amazed at this entire situation. He pulled away from me and turned his back to mine. I felt like a sheepish little girl.

"I like it when you take care of me, Chavez." I sounded like one as well.

He turned to me with hope in his eyes and then shook it off quickly returning his always stern glare. I really cannot understand him sometimes. Maybe it's because I'm so scared of him and at the same time love him. Maybe it's that I'm scared to love him, but is it possible that he hates himself as much as I hate me? I would die if that were true. How can someone so wonderful hate them self? I would feel guilty somehow. Because somehow I would know that it was my duty as his close friend to encourage him and tell him how great he is and that I love him and that he doesn't have to beat himself over all of his actions like he is doing now. I should tell him that I love him anyway and that he doesn't even need to ask for forgiveness. But my guilt doesn't overcome my fear and I remain silent despising myself.

So, he stares at me sternly and nothing happens.

"I'm sorry." I blurt to him.

"Why?"

"I-for not-for yelling at you.' That's not what I wanted to say.

"Mariposa, you amaze me."

"I know…"

The moment is gone and now he never pushed me into the wall. I never saw that he hated himself in that brief second. And I never hated myself for not saying anything. It was as if nothing happened. My heart broke.

I had to do something. I had to take some kind of step.

"Mariposa, I'm sorry that I didn't compliment you tonight."

"Uh…that's okay."

"You look very…."

"Good?"

"Yes, good."

The moment was normal again. No serious or romantic tone…not anything…just Chavez in Molly standing in a shed. He looked at the ground solemnly. I tried to be goofy.

"Elliot _did_ look really funny on the ground writhing in pain."

He looked up and sadly smiled. He was still sad. Good! I mean…it isn't good, but it gives me a moment to be the friend I _should_ be. I walked forward and put a comforting hand on his back. He wrapped his arms around me. My chest speeded up so much that I was afraid he would hear it. I put my hands on his hair and neck and we stayed like this for a while.

"Please don't hate yourself Chavez. I promise I do that enough for both of us."

He squeezed tighter.

Finally a step that _I_ took. _I love you so much._ I silently whispered.

Our moment was interrupted when we heard Charley yelling outside at some guy.

We ran out and saw that one of Murphy's men and tried to start something with John and Charley and apparently settled it. Just afterwards New Years happened and everyone began shooting their pistols in the air.

"Idiots, you're going to kill us all, shooting bullets in the air!"

After midnight the party died down and some of our boys passed out from too much drink. John said we could find a place to sleep for a couple of hours since everyone was so exhausted. I went back to the shed and fell asleep in a pile of hay. When I awoke Chavez had his head on my stomach and was fast asleep. Doc was on my right laying with his head in his arms I heard some of the boys snoring to my far left.

I was very shocked to see Chavez with his head on me, but I tried to ignore it even though it made me extremely uncomfortable. I went back to sleep.

After some hours we left on horseback and continued home. Over all I didn't enjoy the party, but I enjoyed the time spent with Chavez and John.


	9. The Passing of John Tunstall

The morning was wonderful as we set off. John said I could sleep in the back of the wagon while we rode back to the house. I fell asleep for awhile but was awaken to the sounds of Billy's cackling.

The boys had run down a hill near the house chasing some quail or turkey. Billy and John were laughing at them.

"Go on William. Boys will be boys." John said warmly.

"Wait Billy!" I hopped on his horse so I could ride down with them.

He was off in a jiffy. I didn't even so much as glance at John. We were down the hill and I was filled with the thrill of Billy's wild riding. I had such a peaceful feeling. It was the last time I would be happy for so long. Billy rode around once, seeing that the boys had chased the game into the tree. He turned to look back at John.

John was surrounded.

Perhaps I forgot to mention John had been threatened by Murphy's men a couple of days earlier, but I really didn't see the importance until now. Those same men were now surrounding John Tunstall. I remember it well.

_A group of ugly Irishman rode up beside our home. It was Murphy's men, a bunch of old, ugly, fat, drunkards who did whatever Murphy ordered. None of them were particularly famous for their shooting skills so I wasn't worried. Our sheriff was so kindly seated on horseback beside Murphy. It seemed he had been bought as well. _

_"Good afternoon, gentlemen." Brady called with a sickening look at me as he said 'gentlemen'._

_"Good afternoon, John." Tunstall had said back._

_"John, Mr. Dolan and Mr. Murphy here are complaining about their merchandise wagon being plundered... on several occasions on their way into town. Quite frankly, John, they think you're behind it."_

_"That's a fargin' lie and you know it!" Dick yelled._

_"Richard! Sheriff Brady... Mister Murphy is going to continue coming to you... and claiming I've taken his property until I'm pronounced a thief and shaken out of Lincoln. I've never touched his property. I have no cause."_

_The tension was thick, but John remained calm. Then, the majestic idiot spoke up._

_"Well, the Belted Earl has spoken. Look behind you, Earl... all I see are hired thieves." His gang laughed. I saw Chavez flinch out of the corner of my eye. He wanted to do something. Then, John retorted._

"_These boys are promising young men... acquiring an education."_

_"Well, I had you pegged as the type that uh... that likes...educating young boys, Englishman. Now with that woman here, we might be getting suspicious."_

_His stupidity was more annoying than his actual words. I rolled my eyes. Brady licked his lips at me. I almost threw up. _

_Murphy got off of his horse and took John aside for a conversation._

_Their was an even uglier man sitting next to Brady on a fat horse. It was befitting for the man. He smiled at me._

"_Well, ain't you a precious thing?"_

"_Well, aren't you an ugly thing?"_

_I ignored him as he eyeballed me._

"_Come on darlin', I can show you a better time than these bastards." His men laughed. I pulled out my gun and aimed it at him. All of Murphy's men pulled their guns on me. The Regulators did the same…well I think their guns had already been out, but I heard a couple cock and load._

"_Listen you bastard. Stop talking to me."_

"_Molly, please don't do anything stupid..." Doc mumbled in my ear._

"_Or what? You'll shoot me? Please go ahead. My men are just itching to use their pistols." His wheezing laughter was heard above his comrades._

"_Do think that I give a rat's ass if they shoot me? I will gladly kill you right now and die."_

_I smiled at him. He was taken aback. I lowered my gun._

"_Now, shut you're disgustingly foul mouth and save us all the pleasure of you're wretched breath."_

_I can't help that the guy smelled like an outhouse in July.._

"_Thank you." Doc told me. I guess I am a little bloodthirsty. Chavez had told me that once; it kinda hurt my feelings, but he was right. As always._

_Murphy had finished speaking with John. He threatened us and left._

_I wasn't afraid then. Because I knew we were unstoppable and I thought it was unlikely that Murphy had the balls to do anything with that group of hired idiots he carried around with him. That's probably why I never liked McKlowsky in the first place; he had been dumb enough to ride with Murphy at one time. One was just enough._

John had the most patriotic face as they shot him down.

Billy didn't move; I jumped off of his horse and began running up the hill. Billy called after me, but Chavez grabbed me by the arm and hoisted me onto his horse.

I cried. For the first time in my entire life I cried. I hadn't even cried when my parents died or when I killed my uncle. I was numb and stupid. Now, I understood pain.

All I could feel was hot tears.

I cried and yelled his name, furiously beating Chavez with my fists. My hair came down and I looked like that savage that sat outside our house five years ago. Chavez let me beat him. He remained stiff and just sat there while we rode away.

People were yelling orders and ideas. I wasn't paying attention. Chavez had grabbed me and held me while we rode. I sobbed and anger swelled within me. It mixed with the hurt and love I had. **Vengence.**

We stopped briefly by the house. Everyone ran inside and grabbed some things. Chavez left with everyone else. I fell off of Chavez's horse lying on the ground. Moments passed.

"Mariposa!"

He gently picked me up and I pushed him away angrily. I didn't want to, but I did anyway. I took all of my anger out on the person I loved most. It made me sick and I cried more. I hated that I looked so weak and pathetic. I hated that I was the only one crying.

I called Hurricane and jumped on her back letting my dress tear and reveal my legs. Chavez strapped something on Hurricane and we left. That's all I remember about being at the house again.

We rode into the plains. Aimlessly walking in a circle every once in a while. We had no idea what to do. We were lost kids. None of us were very old. None of us had a purpose in life now. I stopped crying and felt the thick air of anger. We wanted vengeance. We wanted to kill. The sadness had passed quickly with me…with us. We were renegades. Young guns. We had no time to be upset. We needed to be strong. I had to be strong like Chavez.

We went straight into town and found Alex and his wife.

That night we stayed in Alex's house. When I went to see Hurricane I noticed the package on the back. It was my clothes, my hat, my dagger, my rifle, and my pistol. Chavez had gathered them for me and put them on Hurricane; I had forgotten he did that.

"Chavez?"

He was standing behind me.

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

He smiled at me and left. I could see that he was still respecting my mourning. Alex gathered John's body and we had the funeral the next day. I didn't cry; I wouldn't let myself. I remained stiff and refused to think of sadness. Only vengeance. After the funeral I found Billy.

"Billy, with or without the law I'm going to kill all of them."

"Wouldn't have it any other way, Murderous Molly."

"So, you're with me?"

"Of course I am." He reassuredly looked me in the eyes.

I nodded and patted him on the back. He tried to hug me so I let him

We all walked around to the front of the barn by the cemetery. I saw Alex talking with the Justice of the Peace. I knew he wouldn't do anything. We all knew.

I felt a hand on my shoulder; it was Chavez.

"What are you thinking, Mariposa?"

"Vengeance."

"Be careful." I shrugged him off and stood by Billy.

_He doesn't need to tell me to be careful. Doesn't he want to kill? I see it in his eyes. He wants it as bad as I do. As bad as we all do. So, what's the difference between he and I?_

Then, I remembered what John had taught him. It just made me sadder and angrier. Chavez should know that this won't pass quickly. It didn't for him.

There is one big difference between Chavez and me. He already tried to kill Murphy; he failed because of numbers. We have numbers now and dammit I'm going to try. It's so dumb, because compared to Chavez he has a right to be angrier than I am. He has more of a right to kill Murphy. Murphy didn't kill my parents, just John.

The Justice of the Peace took us in the barn away from prying eyes and deputized us. We swore on the Holy Bible and we were given warrants and badges. They didn't mean anything to Billy and I. Their blood was about to cascade down the streets of Lincoln.


	10. The Paper

(Sorry about the wait. I got distracted with some one shots I was working on.)

We killed. Billy was the one who killed first. It was Henry Lee. Whatever. The name wasn't important, just the death. We ended up having a shoot out at the drug den he was staying at. A lot of the people were killed. I didn't really care; they were druggies anyway.

Doc read aloud to us the next day in town as we hid behind a long half collapsed wall. I didn't know why the hell we were here.

"Nine men lay dead or at death's door yesterday noon following a gunfight between Lincoln resident Henry Hill, forty-five, and what patrons have called a 'kid'. A local miner has identified the kid as one Henry McCarthy...also known as William H. Bonney, nineteen or twenty. In a flaming shootout, the kid, Billy, killed Mr. Hill then took on an onslaught of Hill's partisans bringing the damage to six verified slayings. Bonney is believed to be the captain of a deputized gang."

"You're kidding." I said.

"Captain?" Dick asked in outrage.

"How come it doesn't say nothin' about... about two I closed out?" Steve yelled in his squeaky, annoying voice.

"Shit, Dick, you sent a lamb into slaughter and he walked out a king sheep." Charlie said. He seemed kinda jealous.

"El Chivato. Billy The Kid." Chavez was amused with the situation. He was like me; I was enjoying all the killing we were doing.

"Damn. Murphy's gonna want blood, brains and balls for this." McKlowsky added in. Why does he feel like he always has to say something?

I sat next to Chavez and sighed. He smiled at me. I wish I felt like smiling at him, but I just gave him the same tired expression on my face. I noticed Doc get up from behind our pathetic wall. He tried to leave, but Dick grabbed him.

"Hey Doc, don't be stupid!"

"What?"

"You know they're gonna be looking for us." Doc wasn't interested rightnow. He had a little china girl in his mind.

"Yeah, I'll be back in a minute."

"Where the hell is that idiot going?"

"To see a woman, Dick. Something you would know nothing about." The boys laughed at my comment. _He_ got angry at my remark.

"Oh, and you would?" Wow, he was right. I wouldn't.

"You're an idiot, Richard."

The next day we met these two bushwhackers out in the desert. Chavez snuck up behind the first one as he examined some horse manure. He put his knife to the man's throat, that guy was scared shitless. I loved watching Chavez intimidate people. It was so gratifying. I pointed my rifle into the other's ribcage as he tried pulling out his pistols. The others came out with their guns.

"Buenos Dias, Shitheads."

I pulled the guy off of his horse. He hit the ground hard.

"God, can't you land?"

"You don't understand, Dick, by killin' Henry Hill you all started a war."

"By killin' Mr. Tunstall you all started the damn war, Baker!"

"Just the same were talking 30 or 40 men against your, what 6 or 7?"

I smiled evilly at Baker.

"I'm going to kill you." I whispered in his ear. Billy went to bother horse manure man.

"Were gonna bury you. You can believe that."

"Quiet Bonney! We're takin' you to jail. No killin'!" I thought it was funny that no one pronounced their words correctly. They kept saying 'killin', instead of killing.

"Objection your Honor! These boys are going to the grave in the name of John Tunstall." This was probably the first time I noticed how insane Billy really was.

"I said quiet, Billy! I don't need that kinda talk. Law don't talk like that."

"Yeah, well law don't kill innocent merchants neither. Do it?" Steve yelled, eagerly wanting to kill more for the pleasure than to avenge John.

"Shut-up, dirt face." Doc said calmly.

"Let's take these sons a bitches up to Cap-i-tan mountain and blow there brains out. What do ya say, Steve?"

"Uh-huh! Uh-huh!"

"Hey, Billy," Billy glanced at McKlowsky. "Be easy."

_What? _Did he just tell Billy to calm down.?

" Dick, I don't think we should go by way south." Dick was kind of surprised. We all were. McKlowsky doesn't normally have anything important to say.

"Why's that?"

"Well, I think Murphy will be watchin' the trail and ambush us. I think we should go straight ahead through Lincoln."

Everyone paused and thought this over. I waited to see Billy's reaction. He glanced at me with a smirk.

"Hey." He had started.

"What?"

"I saw that."

Charley freaked. "What did ya see?"

He knows what I just saw. Did you see that Molly?"

"Sure did, Billy."

"Whatcha talkin' about?"

"Where's the ambush McKlowsky? In Lincoln? 'Cuz you know your men-MURPHY'S MEN! Are waitin' to jump us in Lincoln."

"Billy, what are you talkin' about? McKlowsky's with us; he's a regulator."

I glanced over a Chavez, he was just as uninterested in this as I was.

"Yeah, but he used to ride with Murphy! That's what I'm talkin' about!"

"That was a long time ago-"

"He's a spy!"

"He's been with us! We made a pact! Right, McKlowsky?"

"Right. Jesus, Billy, come one," McKlowsky held out his hand.

We all waited again for Billy's reaction. Horse manure guy tried to move, but Steve and Charley put their attention back on him. This was getting really annoying; we were just wasting time standing around arguing like buffoons.

Billy grabbed his hand and everyone relaxed. I didn't care I was still looking at Chavez; he seemed strange.

"Ah, shit I'm sorry McKlowsky."

"Hey, it's alright. We're all upset about, John."

"Sorry I didn't sniff you out sooner you goddamn traitor." Billy fired a single shot to McKlowsky's head, blowing his brains all over Doc's face. Poor Doc.

"Billy!' McKlowsky was dead and Chavez and I didn't really care.

Everyone yelled. Steve and Billy were laughing.

Chavez threw a knife into the guy I was supposed to be watching. Oops. It was alright though, Chavez enjoyed killing him. So, I enjoyed watching Chavez do it. Of course Billy had to shoot him twice in the back as if he wasn't dead already.

"Hold your fire!" Dick ordered. Nobody listened. It was chaos for those brief moments. Horse manure guy got on his horse while we were all yelling at each other.

Doc fired and hit him square in the back. He got back up somehow.

Doc yelled, "Get that son of a bitch!"

Steve gave the horse manure guy a big shotgun hole. Chavez pulled his knife out, wiping the blood on it's victim.

Billy was laughing. Dick was being a dick. Charley was freaking out like a little girl again. Doc was calm as he usually is. Steve was smiling like an idiot at his new kill. Chavez and I were silent, standing next to one another, and judging all of them. Well, that's what I was doing.

"Court adjourned." Billy said with a smile.

"Moron!"

"Richard, he was right. McKlowsky was acting strange."

You would think Charley pissed his pants by the way he was whining, "Oh Christ Jesus, Brady's gonna hang us for sure now!"

"What are we doin' now Dick?" Steve wasn't helping.

"Quiet! Everyone close their fargin lips for a goddamn second and let me think!"

"We better skin outta here."

"Okay. Everyone skin up the river."

We all just kind of looked at Dick, "Now!" he yelled.

"You better stop believing what them papers write about you."  
Billy got really quiet and had that sly smirk on his face.

"Okay, Dick."

"Somebody get that idjit on a horse."

Everyone left except Doc. I was worried about him so I went to make sure he wasn't going to break down or something.

He stared at McKlowsky's body.

"Don't dwell on it, Doc. It won't do you any good. It's done."

He sighed.

"No, this doesn't bother me."

I brushed off my embarrassment at being wrong.

"Good, I didn't want to get all sentimental with you, anyway."

He faintly smiled and put an arm around me. I took off my black hat and handed him a rag to wipe his face.

"It's just…How am I supposed to have a family in this kinda life?."

"You can't Doc." He looked up at me. "You just can't."

My thoughts wandered to Chavez, big surprise.

I had saddened Doc by what I said so I tried to change the subject while we rode.

"It's that China girl isn't it?" He smiled. I teased him.

"I might get jealous."

"Molly, you'll always be my favorite non-related sister."

"Good. Always?"

"Always."

((Sorry if this chap. Seemed rushed, because…well it was. I wanted to get to the Peyote chap. next really fast. Don't worry lots of Chavez and Molly and what-not and their relationship in the next one.))


	11. The Peyote: Part 1

Somehow we ended up in the damn mountains. God knows why; I wasn't paying any attention. My black hat was sticking to my hair with sweat, my legs were sore from riding all day, and on top of that I had a headache. So I didn't give a shit what we were doing right now.

The sun was about 4 hours from setting and I decided to relieve one of my problems by taming my hair. I reached into the satchel that Chavez had put on Hurricane and looked for my brush. It was actually there; I couldn't believe that he had thought to pack that. I clumsily dismounted and brushed my hair. God, it needed to be cut.

Seeing that everyone was standing around not doing anything particularly important, I pulled out my knife and sat down on a rock further into the mountains. That way I couldn't here their trivial chatter.

Then, I glanced at Chavez who was staring at me. I froze. My heart beat more with every second of his penetrating gaze. He looked as if he were angry with me, which is a sign that he just wants to tell me something. It's only really bad when he's not looking at you.

I remember this one time when we were still young…or at least I was. Chavez had always been older and wiser in my eyes, but anyway we were in town. This had been the good ol' days were it was just Doc, Chavez, and I living with John. I can't remember why we had to go to town or why John didn't go with us, but we were in a general store. Again part of the good ol' days was there was no Murphy. He didn't own the town then. So, some racist ignorant moron ran the store. He was just stupid really, probably the product of years of inbreeding. So, when I look back I don't blame him.

When I walked in with my men's garments and short hair; he started laughing. It didn't bother me; it's something I expected to happen the day I cut all my hair off. Doc politely warned him and the guy retorted with some idiotic remark.

Chavez was very quiet. A very bad sign.

Doc smiled politely and asked to be left alone; the clerk agreed with an evil smirk.

Everything was fine until he got a good look at Chavez. When he laid eyes on that Mexican-Indian; he freaked. He pulled out a shotgun from behind the counter and started yelling at us. Saying that we couldn't have 'his kind' in the store, he pointed the gun at Chavez and ordered us to leave. Chavez said nothing; he just stared at the clerk. The clerk yelled at Doc like he owned Chavez and told him to get him out of the store. A crowd of people gathered outside. Doc panicked and tried to reason with the clerk. I noticed that the shotgun wasn't even loaded.

Then, I saw my Aguilo reach for his dagger. I panicked and grabbed Chavez's hand.

"Don't." I remember whispering very vividly. Chavez turned his angered gaze from the clerk towards me. It scared the hell out of me and I let go and back away.

"Please….don't." I mouthed with my lips.

Very slowly he moved is hand away from his dagger, but his eyes never left mine. His angry eyes killed me. They made me feel guilty.

We left the store. Chavez didn't talk to me for two months. He didn't look at me, acknowledge me, or speak with me. I felt shunned. And I was too damn prideful to apologize; I didn't really think I had done anything wrong. That's when you know Chavez is really angry at you or… just disappointed. That's probably worse.

He just wanted to tell me something; that's why he was staring now.

I was thrown back into reality when I realized that he had disappeared while I was reminiscing about the past. Chavez was being mysterious again. I swear he's like a puzzle that doesn't want to be solved.

I sat there for a moment with my dagger held towards the first lock of hair I had grabbed. He was no where to be seen.

I began the cut.

A rough hand grabbed my arm. I went for my pistol. He grabbed that hand as well and pressed my arm into my chest. My heart stopped. I was powerless.

His steady chest pressed into my back/. He gripped my wrists hard and I could here him breathing in my ear.

"Let go of the dagger." I have never been able to understand how his voice can be so soft and yet be absolutely terrifying. I dropped it; it clanged to the ground.

"Jesus Christ, Chavez." He slowly eased up on my arms and sat back.

I turned my head to peer at him.

That sturdy gaze. No, dare I say smoldering sexy gaze? His hair was in his eyes and wildly bashing about with the wind. His black coals were staring directly into my strangely colored ones. I turned back around for fear that I might grab him with lust… or grab him with anger at his surprise.

He didn't speak; he just very softly placed his hands in my hair and pulled it back.

I heard his dagger unsheathe and he began cutting.

It was awkward. At least for me it was. I could barely function having his hands…in my hair. I kept trying to make conversation in my head, but I kept thinking about the stupidest, childish things to say. I shouldn't be so weird around him. I should be as comfortable with him as he his with me.

"I'm worried, Mariposa."

"About what?"

"The future… we have no paths."

"You aren't supposed to know your own path, Chavez, you just follow it."

"Blindly?"

"How can you…I don't understand what your saying."

"We are lost, Mariposa, we do not know our paths. Do you see?"

He finished cutting my hair; I ran my fingers through it. He didn't cut it short enough. It was only a little past my chin. I usually cut it as short as Charley's.

I turned around, grabbed my knees and gazed up at him.

He grabbed his as well and crossed them. He was sitting on a higher rock than mine so I had the pleasure of staring up at his gorgeous face.

Surprisingly, he wasn't looking at me, but into the horizon. He had taken his jacket off so I saw the white undershirt he wore. A couple of buttons were missing from the top and a little of his chest was revealed. His head was proudly raised and his eyes were closed; the wind threw back his hair and danced his charms that hung from his neck. He looked like a God. He was soaking in this moment. Nothing was trivial for him.

I got the urge to grab him again. I fought it back ferociously.

"No, I don't see."

He sighed.

"I do not know how to tell you then."

I paused for a moment staring up at him with adoration. Then, I got a crazy idea in my head. It's a sort of step for me if you will. For a couple of minutes I argued the decision in my head while we remained silent. Ultimately I unconsciously did it anyway.

Gently I placed my head in his lap. The sun was setting and the heat had died down.

"You are worried about what the future holds, Aguilo. I think we all are."

He looked down at me and I saw a new expression in his features. Love, absolute love. I closed my eyes so he wouldn't see my astonishment. My heart was filled again, it loved again. I wasn't upset about John right now; I was happy with Chavez. _When I'm around Chavez I don't hurt._

His hands….one brushing my hair back and the other on my cheek…I could die now. I imagined him smiling with those kind, loving eyes. I was still to terrified to glance up at him to see if my delusions were correct. My eyes remained closed.

"My dear Mariposa." He whispered in my ear. I almost jumped at his closeness. He kissed me on the forehead.

My eyes popped open with horror. My head darted up and I stared at him with absolute…shock. I think I hurt his feelings.

He was shocked as well, but he was…hurt. _Oh, God I hate myself! What's wrong with me? Molly, do something! Don't just sit there and stare at him like he's a stranger!_

But I couldn't help myself. I was still…scared.

No! He turned away with the angry eyes again. He stared at the horizon; he didn't look at me.

"Chavez…I-"

"You don't have to say anything. I understand, Molly."

_Molly!?_ He got up and began to walk away. He was furious. I was foolishly worried at who he was angry at. I hope it was me. I prayed he didn't hate himself. I could just cry.

"Wait. I didn't mean to-"

"Just leave me alone. I need to think."

I had to obey his wishes right? Everything as happening so fast…he was gone. He stalked off into the wilderness somewhere. I absolutely hate myself.

I collapsed, falling on the ground in tears. My whole world is collapsing with me.

((((You see what I did? Notice how Chavez looks particularly pissed in the movie when he goes out looking for Peyote? Betty made a reason. Well, it's there for other reasons as well, but you get the picture.

Oh, yeah. I thought I should clear up just incase you didn't figure it out already. Molly has a lot of emotional issues because of her upbringing this is why she is so tormented by herself. Chavez has a few as well; he just dealt with his past better than she did.

This is part one of Peyote. The next one is funnyish.)))


	12. The Peyote: Part 2

I cried silent, angry tears. Tears that burnt my skin like acid and tore a hole in my chest.

The sun went down.

_Dammit Molly. Stop crying! Stop acting like a little girl! Be stronger._ I knew I couldn't go back into the camp with my eyes bloodshot. So, I waited for a while longer, sitting in the darkness holding my tears at bay. Letting my thoughts eat me alive. My doubts, suspicions, and questions kill me.

Chavez. I could think of nothing else.

His loving gaze that I feared I would never see again, his passionately angered one that I would grow to know too well. I couldn't get either out of my head, and they both tormented me.

I'm the most pathetic woman on the entire planet and I don't deserve to have his love. I noticed my hair that had fallen to the ground. They reminded me of another memory I had of Chavez. It hurts me now to think of it.

_The next morning, after I had spoken with Chavez on John's roof, I saw locks of hair scattered on the ground._

_Then, Chavez was there, standing in front of me. His hair was short and cut to his shoulders._

"_A new beginning." He said._

_It wasn't cut evenly; he had left some locks shorter than the others. I touched his hair with a confused expression. He read my mind._

"_They represent those who have fallen." I smiled at him. _

"_You're a weirdo."_

_He glared at me._

But wait, isn't it his fault as well? I mean, he has never kissed me before. How am I _supposed_ to react? Of course I enjoyed it, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be shocked by it. Jesus Christ! God, I'm so confused. My Aguilo is so complicated.

Could I call him that now?

I don't know. I can't understand anyway. My thoughts are scattered and make no sense, even to the delusional mind that conjures them.

God, I don't know what hurts worse….

That I hurt him… or hearing him call me 'Molly' for the first time. Separating us.

_Molly, you're just over reacting. You'll be fine later. At the worst he will just ignore you for a while. Right?_

_Right!?_

After a while longer and pulled myself together and began walking towards the camp. I smelled the most god awful odor I had ever had the displeasure of breathing.

Chavez was 'cooking'. Everyone was crowded around the fire.

"Well, shit there you are, Molly." Steve yelled.

"We thought a couple of bears had eaten you." Doc held out his hand so I would sit by him. I did.

I lowered my head and stared at the ground so they wouldn't look at me. Chavez didn't acknowledge my presence when I sat.

Doc whispered in my ear. "What's wrong?"

I locked his gaze and shook my head. 'No.' His eyes widened when he saw my bloodshot ones and he wrapped a comforting arm around me. At first I tensed up but then I leaned into his shoulder. Chavez glanced up. I almost jumped out of Doc's arms.

"Easy, girl." He whispered again, settling me down. I kept staring at Chavez. He had already looked away. I wanted to see a change in his expression. Any change would have done, I would be glad to see any emotion in him now…just so I could be affected. Just so I could now that he was affected by our conversation, but I saw apathy. Complacency, he was absolutely blank. _Dammit don't cry. _He was totally without emotion or concern…just empty. Doc tightened his grip on my arm as the tears welled up in my eyes. Quickly, I stared at the ground.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Steve yelled in the middle of everyone's silence.

"Shut-up, Steve." Doc replied.

"Well, what the hell is her problem?"

"Shut-up, Steve." Billy said. My wrath demons began scratching my fingers. I pulled out my knife quietly still staring at the ground.

"Ain't she done cryin' about John yet?"

"You bastard!" I lunged forward with my dagger headed for his chest. Doc grabbed me and pulled me down.

"You better sleep lightly, Dirt-Face, because I don't sleep at all." I warned through gritted teeth. Steve's expression was priceless, his eyes were wide, and he looked extremely surprised. He opened his mouth to reply, but Billy told him not to say anything. We all fell deathly silent. Doc had his arm around me again firmly pressing me into the ground while I calmed myself.

My face felt red and slow, angry tears were falling out of my eyes. My chest held a tremendous weight on it. I couldn't breath, my mind told me I wasn't breathing. So my breaths were desperate and gasping. My chest was furiously heaving back and forth while I took in long, hard breaths. I found that I was gripping my dagger by the blade and warm trickles fell from my hand. I held on to the blade... I wanted to feel. Doc pried it from my fingers as I continued fuming.

He wrapped a blanket around me and pulled me close to him.

"Jesus, Molly." He whispered to himself. I stared into the open fire as the others focused their attention elsewhere.

Behind the pain I was experiencing, I could feel a deep love behind it. Behind this enormous weight that tugged my heart deep into my stomach, I felt a soft love for Doc. A brotherly love. It felt strangely warm to have him taking care of me. It was behind the hurt that it masked.

Determined to not seem like a defenseless woman, I shrugged Doc off and sat up straight trying to seem like my normal self again. Chavez stirred his little cup again.

Suddenly, he stuck his hand into the ashes of the fire. He pulled out the dark coals.

"Christ, Chavez, what are you doing?"

He rubbed them onto his face ignoring Dick. Then, he took some of the lighter white ashes and drew as well.

I have never felt more distant from him than in that moment. Those coals had to be extremely hot and he didn't even wince. It was…strange to see him doing that to himself. This was something I would never understand about Chavez. I would never understand these strange things that he does. So they become so surreal, to see him inflicting pain on himself just to perform an Indian ritual. None of us could even grasp if that was an Indian ritual or not. We just assumed, when it could be of Chavez's own design. That is worrisome if it is.

We all stared at him in awe.

"We've come to a place where we are lost, no? When an Indian is lost, he must reach into the spirit world to find the way. On the Spirit Road, he'll be shown a sign. This is the way to the Spirit Road. We're lost right now... But I'll find us a way."

He took a sip of what he had prepared. God it smelled bad.

"Oh Christ, Chavez! That's all we need, is some more of your red-ass... Navajo mambojahambo... We're running out of time here, Chavez."

Chavez gritted his teeth and hissed. I felt stupid, like I was missing out on a meaningful explanation of what he was doing. It hurt so badly. I just couldn't shake this feeling that I had messed something up. A feeling that told me that I would soon be separated from Chavez, I shrugged it off and tried to seem skeptical of this weird concoction. Chavez passed the cup to Billy; he took a sip and coughed.

"Is that any good? Chavez, what is, what is that?" Charley asked in ignorance.

"Peyote." He replied in annoyance. I stared blankly at Chavez; his monster face was really attractive. I had to glance away quickly like I so often do.

Billy gave it Doc and Doc gave it to me. For a moment I held it in my hands looking at it as if it were urine. I looked up at Chavez and he was starring at me.

I quickly took a small sip and gave it to Charley who looked at me like I was a demon. He must still be scared from before….sissy.

Dick passed on the substance. Good, he could watch us and make sure we didn't do anything stupid.

Steve, the fargin' moron, took two gulps of it.

Then, we sat and waited.

I can't fully explain what happened because I don't exactly remember. I do know that we all suffered from sleeplessness and about 35 minutes after taking the peyote Billy, Doc and I threw up. It a disgusting experience. At first it felt horrible we were nauseated, we couldn't sleep, and our skin felt like it was on fire. Time seemed altered and we suffered quickly.

2 hours into it these 'bad' effects wore off and the 'good ones' began. Then, time really did pass. Our perceptions differed and we ran off wildly into the wilderness.

I experienced a spectrum of emotions from crying and yelling to laughing hysterically. Everything was bigger and brighter than it appeared to be.

Then main thing I recall is what happened just before dawn.

I was sitting on a rock staring at what then appeared to be a fascinating ant colony, whom I was naming, and all of the sudden I had a vision.

Two eagles flew in the sky. One was black and one was red. They flew beside one another until their families called for them. The red eagle flew away to a family of red birds and the black eagle flew away to a family of black birds. Then they were separated and the sky became very bright.

What I remember next was Billy grabbing me and saying his hat didn't look right.

"It doesn't fit me, Molly."

"Of course it doesn't, it's on your head."

"No….no it isn't." He grabbed his hat and felt the top of it.

"Here." I sat on the ground and grabbed some weeds. He sat with me.

"This will make it fit." I stuck the flowers in the brim of his hat. Billy smiled goofily at me. I smiled back and he wrapped his arms around me.

We lay on the ground looking at the sky. He turned to look at me with that goofy smile again.

"Molly, you're so beautiful." He poked my nose..

"You're beautiful too Billy."

"Really? No ones…ever told me I was beautiful, Molly." He paused and a tear fell from his eye. It's all really funny thinking about it now, but also extremely embarrassing. He leaned forward and kissed me. That was not a funny memory.

It makes me rather sick thinking about it now and remembering how messed up I was. What the hell kinda stuff was peyote anyway?

It didn't matter at the moment; I kissed him back and then jumped up giggling like a child. I ran off and left him lying on the ground fuddling with his hat.

Then, I saw Doc staring at the ground. I gave him a flower; I remember he was surrounded in bright pinks and yellows for some reason. I tried to grab them.

"Wow thanks, Yen."

"No problem." He stared at the flower and then dropped it to the ground looking at me.

"What?" I asked curiously.

"Yeah, it's like a butterfly. A butterfly flies to a flower….Stays with it…Doesn't know why. Just feels it. Oh, yeah. She's—she's my flower and I'm her…I'm her…"

Steve took a shot that went whizzing by Doc's head. I started laughing at how he had almost died.

"You—you guys!? Did you guys see the size of that…that chicken!?" Steve was on the lower rocks freaking out. It seemed normal and I listened to Doc again.

"I'm her butterfly. We don't know why. We just feel it."

"Oh God! You guys!? You guys!?"

"That's real…that's real. I'm her butterfly and she's…mine!"

I tripped over a rock in front of Doc and hit my head hard. I rubbed it as the blood came down my face.

"Where is all the red coming from?" I ignored the injury and picked myself up. Chavez was standing on a rock above a deep chasm. It was very strange. He was so collected and calm. His shirt was off and his arms were outstretched. Smoke was rising up from no where. He looked magestic, but he scared shit out of me. I felt an unnerving fear and ran towards Dick like a child. I expected him to make the monster go away.

"Regulators! Saddle Up!" He eyed me on the ground. Steve yelled again.

"Godless heathens."

"Richard, you're looking rather purple today." He sighed and rode off. Billy grabbed his horse and mounted backwards. He started laughing.

"Regulators!" My hearing slowed down and he sounded really weird.

"Wow...is my voice doing that too?" I laughed. "Billy you're not on your horse right."

I jumped on Hurricane and fell on sideways. Half of me was hanging off her left side and the other half was hanging off of the right. Billy laughed at me.

"I look better than you do!"

My arms and feet dangled.

"Go Hurricane! I feel like I'm being carried."

She set off on a light trot.

"Ow! That hurts my stomach." I saddled her correctly and then decided that was boring and sat backwards like Billy did.

"You damn copycat!" He pulled out his guns and fired over my head. I pulled out my pistol and fired over his as well. I remember really trying to hit him though the blood was still falling in my eyes.

We burst out laughing. I lay back, resting my head on Hurricanes mane.

"Dammit, Molly, you aren't moving and what the hell did you do to your head?" Dick came and put a rope around Hurricanes neck so she would trail behind us. She followed reluctantly. I ignored him.

"Hey, Dog, did you see the size of that chicken?" Steve asked his horse.

Later we were greeted by Chavez's ancestors and Charley was singing some horrible song. I felt horrible and I could barely speak by then. If I wasn't so damn hig I would have noticed these as bad signs.

"Howdy. Morningtoya." Billy stated nonchalantly to an Indian. I freaked out.

"Don't talk to them; they'll kill you if they see us." I whispered urgently. He looked back puzzled and dazed.

"Hey, Chavez, how come they ain't killin us?" Charley yelled to Chavez who was at the head of the group.

"Cuz we're in the spirit world, asshole, they can't see us!" Steve yelled back.

We all paused for a moment. Then, Billy smiled

"Hey, did you know that we're in the spirit world?"


	13. The Pain

(((I wanted to go ahead and mention that I an combining this into Young Guns 1 and 2. This was my intent from the start, but I just forgot to tell you guys. BTW Thanks for the help and support.)))

Apparently I had passed out. When I awoke I found myself in a darkly lit room on a cotton bed. My hand had a bandage on it and my head was wrapped in gauze. A pair of bright blue eyes looked down on me through the darkness.

I felt my now throbbing head. "Ouch."

"Whoa sit down Molly, you still need rest." Reluctantly my head hit the mattress as ordered.

I took a deep sigh and tried to remember what happened. Doc rubbed his hands together.

"You've been out for awhile."

"Fantastic. Any _particular_ reason why?"

"You just lost a bunch of blood, we were all too shitfaced to notice and Dick well...you know Dick." Yeah, I know Dick and he cares for me about as much as I care about being a good housewife.

"Who bandaged me then?" I sat up eagerly. My mind raced with the thought of his possible answer.

"Dick put you in here and then I fixed you up." Doc replied, unknowingly crushing my dreams.

"Great." My heart sunk back into its pit. I lay pack on the mattress covering my eyes with my arms. Doc saw I was distressed.

"I don't remember much but-"

"Good."

"But I do remember what happened before."

"**Nothing** happened be-"

"Molly." He moved my arms from my head and looked me in the eyes. I sighed.

"What do you want me to tell you, Doc?"

"Only what you think you need to say." He responded kindly. I sighed again.

"I don't think I need to say anything."

"Then, say what will make you feel better."

"You know I'm not good at this right?" He listened intently. I hadn't even begun and I already had his undivided attention.

"You've been thinking about this for a while haven't you?" He nodded his head with a smile. I sighed yet again. I found that sighing helped me. It helped release pain and stress, in with the good and out with the bad right? So, why did it hurt when I breathed at all?

"I…I don't know what to say Doc. I just don't feel like crying anymore."

Doc furrowed his brow and took my hands in his,

"Why were you crying?" It seemed like an obvious question, but I had to remember that Doc was just trying to help me get the ball rolling.

For a moment I lay their really not wanting to answer his question, but knowing that it was the best thing for me to do. So I just opened my mouth and let whatever came out, come out.

"I have always been bad with affection. I never know how to show it because I never really had it. I've never had unconditional parental love or at least I was too young to remember what it felt like. I never had a woman to tell me how to love a man or to love anyone. I have always had myself. And myself has always been just fine."

It was painfully slow and it felt like I wasn't making a lick of sense. Also, I was afraid that I might be boring Doc with my ramblings, but he was still their listening. This was horrible, revealing myself to someone, showing them my weaknesses, but I could trust Doc. He was the closest thing I had next to Chavez.

"But I love, Doc, I love more than any woman should ever love a man who isn't aware of her affections. I love and I don't know how to say it. It eats me up inside. I thought my anger and hatred of the world ate me up but this is even worse. I don't have an outlet for this. And he is always right about me."

"Who, Molly?"

"Chavez…" the name was so hard to say now.

"How is he always right?" Doc's question annoyed me because I wasn't able to answer it.

"_Because_…because he just always _is._" I silently fumed as I thought of a better way to word this.

"He loves me. In _some way_ he loves me or he _did_ love me. Now, he thinks I don't care about him."

"Well, tell me about what happened in particular."

"When we were up in the mountains, he cut my hair. Which sounds very odd, but he kind of volunteered to do it. Chavez is always so wonderful at surprising me at times when he's going to do something….um…affectionate I guess you would say." My heart picked up at the thought of Chavez at being able to think of all the great times we had together. _Molly, don't say that. You make it sound like you will never have any times like that again._

Doc smiled when I got excited.

"Well, anyway he cut my hair and then he started talking about the future."

"The future?" Doc asked with a raised eyebrow.  
"Yes, something about how we are all on lost paths and he was frustrated about it. I didn't really understand what he was talking about."

"Was that what he was talking about before he gave us the peyote? He was 'going to find us a path?' I just thought that was some Indian thing."

"It may have been." I paused looking at the ground with dismay. I would rather forget about what I had to tell Doc next.

"Continue, Molly."

"I ended up with my head in his lap. I remember being fairly proud of myself for having done that….but what he did was too much for me."

Doc looked confused.

"It was only simple, Doc. He just kissed me on the forehead, right? I mean. I've known him for five years and he kisses me on the forehead and I freak out."

"Define 'freak out'."

"I sat up and looked at him...God, I must have given him the most horrible looked…I looked at him with horror and he was..._so_ hurt. I saw it in his eyes." I started crying again.

"And then I just sat there! Like an idiot. I just sat there and stared at him like he was a stranger. I didn't say anything and then when I did, it was too late. He was already angry. I wanted to tell him so badly. I wanted to say I love you and I'm sorry I act like an imbecile, but I'm just so damn scared, Doc!" Doc put his hands on my face and wiped away my tears.

"Then he just stalked off in the wilderness and when I saw him next he had that damn peyote."

Doc and I sat in silence as I tried to make myself stop crying. After a while Doc spoke up again.

"I think he's overreacting." I sat up and Doc put an arm around me.

"I mean if he knows you so well then wouldn't he know that was too much for you? Wouldn't he be able to understand?"

I didn't reply for a moment. When I did, I sounded like a child sticking up for her rabid dog that murdered the neighbor.

"Maybe…he is just angry with himself."

I remembered the night in the barn. New Year's.

"If was angry with himself then…maybe he's angry that he thought I would love him, Doc."

"And you do."

"Yes."

"So tell him." My chest practically caved in upon itself in pain.

"You know I can't."

"Molly, you are going to have to express in some way how you feel. And if you already have before, even in other ways, then he should understand that now. Maybe he just needs time."

We sat in silence again.

"Doc, he called me Molly." Doc chuckled.

"It's not the end of the world."

"For me it is. I don't think you understand how much I love that man."

Doc sighed and hugged me.

"No, I don't think I do."

My head was throbbing and my stomach was growling. I lay back on the bed in frustration. I think Doc somehow understood he hadn't helped me much.

"You said that he is always right about you." I nodded my head. "So if he is then he would know that you have…problems with affection."

"Yeah."

"And…Molly, all I know is that Chavez cares about two things in this world. His people and you." I smiled. Doc did as well."And his people are dead, Molly."

We sat in silence at Doc's bluntness. Then, he spoke up again.

"Molly, he loves you. I mean, he _really_ loves you and I think Chavez could forgive you of anything. Even if you tried to kill him in his sleep, he would say it was nothing and you two would be fine. Just like you have no family, he has no family. Where else are you two going to go?"

I sighed and pulled the covers over my head. I guess he was right, but I still couldn't help shaking this feeling I had. A foreign, empty void that placed itself in my heart and that dream I had out in the desert…about the two eagles…somehow I kept thinking that was about us, but I couldn't understand it. I believe a bond had been severed. It felt like I would never be as close to Chavez as I was before. I had really hurt him and even though Chavez may be able to forgive me, I could never forgive myself.

A revelation.

Perhaps that's why he was so angry, other than the obvious reason of course, because I don't have enough confidence in myself or maybe in him. It's because as much as I may love him and as much as he might love me, I can never love myself. And I can't understand why I hate myself so much.

Maybe it was because of these circumstances, where I screw everything up. God, I am so confused.

"Go to sleep, Molly. You need to rest."

"Way ahead of ya, Doc."

The house we were staying in smelled like dirt and old. If there even is such a thing. The left side of my forehead was still covered in gauze but my hand was essentially fine so I did away with the bandages. Dick came into the room and had woken me up saying that they had got some game and food and I needed to cook it. I figured it was a good way to get my mind elsewhere and I _was_ ravenous.

There wasn't much. The boys hung around outside giggling like buffoons and probably having shooting contests. Chavez had climbed on top of the roof, while Dick and Doc were in the kitchen with me.

"Where did we even find this place?" I asked, hoping to annoy Dick. It worked.

"_I_ found this place; you were all to shitfaced to even—"

"Just shut-up and continue with your answer."

Doc laughed at my comment and Dick growled. I scoffed.

"It was owned by a friend of John's; he always said to come here if we got in trouble."

"It's wonderful that you just **now** thought of coming here."

"I just forgot that's all!"  
"Save it. Don't care."

"Yeah, you don't care for much do ya?" He mumbled under his breath.

I stabbed the table with the kitchen knife. Doc jumped in his chair. Dick left.

"Bastard…" I growled. The door shut violently and then opened again. I turned with the kitchen knife, ready to stab him. But Chavez walked into the kitchen.

I got chill bumps at this surprise and turned back to my cooking quickly.

"Hey, Chavez." Doc said joyfully.

"You wanted to speak with me?" He asked quietly.

"No."

Chavez let out a groan and muttered to himself. "Those asses."

Doc chuckled.

"Well, actually I do need to ask you something."

I heard Chavez sit down beside Doc.

"Ask." He said.

"I was wondering, you see Molly won't tell me," _Oh God what was he doing?_ "Where did you get that Buffalo skin that you always carry around with you?" _Thank God it wasn't something else._ With great speed I turned towards the two expecting Chavez to calmly answer Doc.

Chavez eyed Doc suspiciously and then stood. Doc nervously laughed. Chavez looked towards me with his new blank face and began walking out. I almost jumped at him in anger.

"That is not amusing." He mumbled. Doc looked surprised and tried to play it off as a joke, but I was still infuriated. Doc had just tried to help and he was really starting to piss me off.

From the moment Chavez walked in something had snapped in me and I felt enraged at his presence.

Angrily, I threw the knife; it missed and struck the wall in front of him. He paused, ripped the knife out of the wall and threw it on the ground. Chavez didn't even glance at me as he left.

I inwardly screamed and knocked over a chair.

"You were right Doc."

Doc smiled uncomfortably. "I was?"

"You were right when you said he was overreacting. He is! He's making a big deal out of nothing! He should know that was too much for me! If he really knew me! Right?" I growled as my blood began boiling. I wanted to scream with all energy, but found that I was restraining myself.

"This is so ridiculous."

"You just need to tell him, Molly. Tell him how you feel; he wants to know."

"If he wanted to know he would have fargin' asked! Shit, Doc, I can't tell him now anyway I'm too damn angry!"

"Well, great Molly. Both of you are too stupid and stubborn to say anything. How is that going to go anywhere?"

"Shut the hell up." I knocked over one of the pots and stomped around the room ranting to myself. Doc just stared at me and I could see the pity in his eyes. I didn't want his damn pity.

"Molly, I hate to tell you, especially now, but…." He stopped as if it were dangerous territory.

"Tell me!"

"You're going through the Five Stages of Grief."

That threw me off from my tirade across the kitchen; I turned with my hands on my hips.

"What in the hell is that?" Doc sighed and picked up the chair I had thrown. He sat down.

"Please calm down first."

I grunted and lay on the floor with my hands over my eyes, trying to relax.

"The first stage is denial. It's when in your case you thought that everything would be fine just like that with Chavez, but you've just realized it won't be. Stage two is Anger, which is what you're experiencing now."

"I was more depressed than in denial. And I'm in denial now as well as angry, so your Stages are shit."

"You may be right, I think they actually refer to Death more than anything, but still…I'm worried how you'll do in the other stages."

"Well?"

"Stage three is bargaining. You'll become desperate enough to do anything to have him back.." God, this was breaking my heart and at the same time making me angrier. Definitely not relaxing. "Stage four is depression…"

"Stage Five?"

"Acceptance."

"Fantastic."

What he didn't know is that I was still in denial. I was in denial that I would be alright with my Aguilo. Somehow I knew things would never be the same again, my mind raced to the dream/vision I had.

Two eagles that separate. That couldn't happen could it? Could it?

Behind my mask of anger, I could feel something deeply unsettling about my life. It wasn't right. My vengeful existence I have never actually lived. My entire life I have been infatuated with death, destruction and vengeance. Whether it was my parents or John, I used it as an outlet for my evil ways. God, I _was_ evil and I hate myself even more for it. I don't deserve Chavez, even as a friend I don't deserve him...

My logic had been over reasoned by my selfish will when John died. Now, I remember what Chavez meant that day when we were deputized. _Be careful._ That's what that bastard said, and I wouldn't listen. I wanted to kill and be consumed by my lust for murder. He was afraid I would change; he was afraid that I would become obsessed with only bloodshed. He was right, which pissed me off even more; he was right and my hatred was eating me up inside. God dammit, he just wanted to love me and I have pushed him away this entire time. I felt like crying again, but Dick ran into the kitchen.

"What in the hell!? Molly, what is wrong with you girl!?"

I got up. "Dinner is finished. You can eat when you're ready." I walked out leaving with my self-destructive thoughts.

I still had my anger of course. I was angry because I was in denial, but now I don't know what to do. Even if I told Chavez I loved him. Would I deserve his love? My self hatred will surely be my downfall. I thought of the vision again and remembered something new about it. The black eagle…it had flown to a black family of birds, but something else was there….a setting sun. Setting Sun, he had so much to teach me about my people. Maybe that is where I belong.

No! I don't need to think like that. I belong only with Chavez.

He was standing alone outside, looking into the skies, being that same dramatically mysterious Indian. He turned to look at me.

I almost broke down.

Do I really deserve to have him, would he even have me now? _You're forgetting Molly, he should have known…right? He should have known that you would act like that!_

Chavez began walking towards me.

_You would only bring him down, Molly._ But I love him, I have no one else.

Chavez got closer.

_You have Setting Sun. You have your people._

I love him.

Chavez walked past me and into the house.

I hate him. I stopped myself from punching him.

_You only need yourself, Molly._

Why was he doing this?


	14. The Perfect Moment

Everyone was angry and starving. The room was dark and Dick was taking entirely too long saying the blessing. Chavez had already begun eating; I almost did the same.

"Lord, forgive us for our wrongdoings, for our misguidance by heathen religions. Thank you for keeping us alive. Please guide us in doing the right thing. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name." Richard prayed.

He was taking a long time as usual. You would think that after all we had been through he would try and shorten it, but no…not Stubborn Dick. I guess he figured that he needed to pray extra long because of all the killing we were doing. Isn't there something in the bible about how people shouldn't pray for a really long time just for the hell of praying? I get the feeling that's what Dick was doing.

"Please, Dick, it's getting cold!" Billy said with childlike annoyance.

Dick pulled out his gun, so did Billy. Their barrels at each other's heads.

"I could've killed you, Dick. I could've killed you. But I don't wanna kill you, I wanna eat!" You have to admit, Billy did have an unintentional way with words.

"When we finish this meal, you little rodent, we're gonna go out in the yard and see who has the right to run this group of Regulators." Dick replied with a forceful tone. I let out a growl. We would never eat at this pace.

Doc sighed, and gave a polite smile, "Richard, would you be so kind as to pass the gravy, please?"

Before anyone could say anything, Dirty Steve ran through the door. We had sent him up to watch for 'hostiles' while we ate. Stupid Steve got to eat before all of us. Steve yelled something; I was too lost in thought to understand what he said. Of course a lot of times I have no idea what he is saying in the first place.

Before I could let out a smart remark, Dick asked "Just one?" with his gun still pointed at Billy's head.

Charlie got up and ran to the window cursing.

I really didn't care; I just started eating, ignoring the situation as I usually did.

He shrieked something about Buckshot Roberts and smallpox. What? Was he going to give us small pox?

Quickly Dick called us to march outside. We all grabbed our guns.

As the man pulled up, I noticed he didn't look that intimidating. Just some old guy in a trench coat of furs, he looked like Davy Crockett. But I guess it's the more experienced ones who are the most dangerous. Dick tried to seem intimidating and forceful, which really wasn't working. Buckshot was really nonchalant about the whole situation, which scared me.

"We need to get in cover." I whispered to Charlie. He nodded his head and started slowly walking backwards. Idiot. Charlie _would_ go all the way to the back for a gun fight. How does he _not_ see these logs on the left? I walked near Doc towards the big boards as the man continued talking.

I was getting angrier by the minute. We were all standing out in the open against and armed man. Yes, we had weapons as well, but shit did they know that he could at least take out a couple of us before we died? Morons.

Suddenly rapid gun fire started. Everyone got behind something as we all fired wildly. It was invigorating and felt nice to have my mind on something else besides…Chavez.

"Aaah!" Chavez screamed, he fell on the ground clutching his side. I froze, watching him in horror. Then, Doc was down, his finger blown clear off.

"Chavez!?" Doc yelled.

"What?" He replied with annoyance. I crotched down between, them having taken the same cover, and tried to look at Chavez' wound. He glared and pushed me away. Now, I was wounded, even if everyone else couldn't see my blood.

Then, the gunfire stopped. Buckshot had moved into the Outhouse. We should have kept firing at him, but Billy and Dick began discussing something. I didn't like the look of this. Billy quickly got up and began walking forward, then dived back behind cover as Buckshot fired at him.

"Screw that!" I heard him yell through the chaos.

Then, Dick got up.

"You idiot!" I yelled at him. Before my harsh words had any effect, it was too late. Dick had been shot in the chest and was falling towards the ground. It happened in slow motion, like with John. His eyes closed and his body was limp on the ground like a sack of potatoes.

Before the magnitude of the situation set in, Doc had shaken me and pushed me towards the horses. I saw that Billy and the others had already grabbed them.

I didn't understand why we were leaving, at least not at first. Buckshot was dead now. So why leave Dick's body? The bounties. This was the easy way of getting out of having to bury Dick, which would have taken too much of our time. If Buckshot had found us, then he had probably told the state where we were and they would be this way at some point. We couldn't stay here. So we left and seemed like cowards.

Only Doc stayed to view the horrid scene we had left. He must have been the only one with any humanity left in him.

The desert was wide and far and stretched gallantly before us.

We wandered in circles, unsure who was leading us now and marked by grief. Billy took the initiative to direct us. We rode for a couple of hours as I worried to an absurd amount about Chavez's side. He really didn't look so well; he had that damn buffalo skin wrapped around him and sat as still as a stone on his horse.

When we did stop for the night, Doc announced his departure.

I figured he was going to see that woman again. Billy talked liked he would come back just to see him. Chavez was still being distant and now Steve and Charley were following Billy around like lost puppies.

I sat in the hedges, so I couldn't here their mediocre chatter. Then something sparked my interest.

"Murphy's taking inventory in Tunstall's store right now and you're saying that means nothing to you?" Billy was being testy. This wasn't good. Chavez was shot, and probably already fighting off an infection, people we knew were dieing, and he and I weren't speaking, so he wasn't exactly cheerful right now.

"It means nothing to me? Murphy and his politicians have taken more blood from me than they ever will from you." Chavez said in defiance. Billy should have known better.

"How do you figure?" He said with an evil smirk. I wanted to slap him. Chavez stared long and hard at Billy and took a shattered breath. He wasn't going to tell them was he?

"The Red Sands Creek Reservation." Oh no. "200 people butchered in the snow with their stomachs empty. My mother's people. You see, Murphy was under government contract to supply us with beef, but winters ago, he sent only rotten meat. No corn, no flour, just rancid beef crawling with worms. A few of my men and I set out to a camp in the middle of the night to try and get food. Oh yeah, they welcomed us in, and then they fired at us. I got away, only me. But when I got back to the Red Sands, I found out that the army had already heard about our _big Indian uprising_ and they paid us back. My mother was cut by a saber from her privates to her neck. My sisters were just babies, and they had their heads bashed in with boot heels so the army could save bullets! Everyone at the reservation was butchered AND IT MEANS NOTHING TO ME!? Oh yeah, I went into Lincoln to take Murphy's head. And that's when John Tunstall found me, and he took me in, and he taught me a better way to bury Murphy."

"Murphy starved out your family, but if you wanna run, go ahead," Billy shrugged. "You got no loyalty, Navajo."

"Navajo." Steve echoed. That moron was incapable of his own thoughts.

"I don't know what your vision told you, but mine told me we're headed for blood. Blood like a river. If I die--and I'm not afraid to--the sacred hoop is broken. I have to go west to make my people live again." He walked over towards his horse. Then, stopped. "Charley, you come with me?"

_Charley!? What about Molly? What about Mariposa? Chavez wasn't honestly thinking about leaving without me, was he? _

Charley stood up and turned to Dirty Steve, "You ain't sayin' much, Dirty Steve."

"Yeah, he wouldn't, would he?"

Oh, I am so pissed off right now. Screw his damn bullet hole.

"He ain't got much to say, Charley." said Billy. I had to bite my knuckle to avoid snickering at the truth of that statement. "But Steve understands the meaning of the word 'pals.' If you got a few pals, you got yourself a tribe. We're your family now, Chavez. You'll break _our _sacred hoop if you walk away from us. We gotta stick together, fellas."

For the first time since I had met Billy, I only now realized who he was. A conniving, selfish bastard. Scratch that, an _insane_ conniving, selfish bastard. He had used Chavez's beliefs against him, using a word like "tribe" to convince him from leaving. As happy as I was that he had convinced Chavez to stay, Billy had pissed me off by revealing who he really was. I don't know why I couldn't see it before. I was probably too focused on that damn gorgeous half-breed.

Chavez stood rigid beside his horse as if he were still leaving. As upset as I was at Chavez, plus how by much he had hurt me _now_… I definitely had to be tough. I had to harden my heart towards him. If Chavez wanted to hurt me, then I wouldn't let him know he was succeeding.

"Can I _now_ take a look at that wound?" I practically yelled at him.

Chavez scowled at me. I didn't care; he could hate me all he wanted. I just wanted to make sure he wouldn't die.

Surprisingly he walked over and sat beside me in the bushes. Laying the buffalo skin on the ground, he proceeded in unbuttoning his black shirt.

Seeing his dark muscles really didn't help our situation. I was more repulsed by them than attracted. His body was so gorgeous, so perfect, that the urges I had harbored within me for so many years were about to burst forth. But because I had these urges, and because I knew he hated me and I knew that he was so unreachable, it only crushed my spirit more. What was even worse was after looking at his side. I could see he needed tending to, that would mean contact. I might maul him with affection.

So, there he sat angrily staring in to the fire with his shirt off. The light dancing off of his dark coals and rippling on his muscles, and he expected me to touch him now?

Slowly I dressed his wound. I purposely took a long time so I could enjoy this moment. Even though I secretly hated him.

Billy and the boys went off to collect some game to cook. Now, we were alone. Great.

I had to say something. I have to stop being so damn stubborn.

"I've been thinking," He said. "Dark thoughts, Molly."

I almost started crying.

"Stop calling me Molly." I said with a soft anger. He took my hands in his and looked me in the eyes. _Be strong, Molly. You're all alone now. Don't let him affect you._

"I have had a troubling vision." He said with a worried expression.

I ripped my hands from his grasp, unable to stand the contact between us. I looked him square in the eyes and said nothing, expecting him to continue with his dream. He did, though he looked hurt.

"I am standing beside you in a field. You are smiling. I take your hand and then you…"

"I what?" I replied with annoyance.

"You let go of me and fall away. You fall into another place with other people. And then I am standing alone."

"That's it?"  
"No, I leave the field and travel to California. There I find people, people like me. I live in happiness there."

"Without me?"

"Without you."

I looked away from him and stared into the fire. My heart was now officially broken.

With tears streaming down my eyes I said, "That's a pretty descriptive vision Chavez."

Chavez didn't comfort me like he had done in the past. That strange barrier was between us now.

"Did you not also have a vision?" He asked.

I sighed.

"Yes…"

"What was in your vision?"

"There…were two eagles…soaring in the skies together...a black and a red one. Then, they were called by their families. And…" I didn't want to continue. He edged me on.

"Molly…"

"Stop calling me that!"

He remained silent. I continued, "The eagles were separated forever."

"It is how it should be."

"So, what are you trying to say?"

"Our paths…were once aligned. But now…they are not, Molly. You must accept this."

I stood up in outrage, "You're basing our lives after some damn drug-induced dream!?"

"What? You question my beliefs? You question the beliefs of my people?"

"Oh, shut the hell up. Screw you're damn people Chavez. Stop living in the past, stop seeking the future. Live in the present!"

He stood up beside me and looked lost for words, "I cannot believe you would say this…"

"I can't believe just because I freak out about a kiss, you decided to fill everybody with drugs and call it soul-searching!"

Chavez stepped towards me with his arms balled into fists.

"Molly!"

"God Dammit, if you call me that one more time, I'm gonna murder you."

He stared me down, I was severely frightened. I couldn't let that bother me now, my blood was boiling.

I stared at the ground, "I can't believe you would leave without me, Chavez. I can't believe you don't want…"

He grabbed me, "What!?"

"Nothing..." My chest felt like acid.

"No, tell me what you were going to say!"

"No, you don't want to hear it."

"How do you know?"

Repulsed by him, I tore myself away and yelled in frustration. He was tricking me, I just knew it. He was trying to 'care', but I wouldn't fall for it this time.

"I hate you." I allowed my words to sink in as he stared at me in shock. "You pretended to understand me for some sick reason, and I actually believed you! I thought you were family! I thought you were…"

"Tell me." He said pleadingly, exasperated by being angry.

"I didn't tell you about the other one. Why the hell would I tell you the ending to the second unfinished sentence!?"

He burned his black coals into my bright eyes.

"I did not want it to be like this."

"Of course you did Chavez! You wanted everything to be exactly like this! You wanted me to hate you. That's why you pushed me away."

"I pushed you away!? Liar! How dare you say that, Molly! After you have tre-"

I tackled him, pushing us into the bushes around the fire. I had warned him not to call me Molly again, he should have listened.

My knife was out and I tried to stab him wildly. He grabbed my wrists and threw me on the ground; I kicked him in the stomach. He yelled in pain, falling on top of me.

I froze.

"I'm sorry! I shouldn't have kicked you in the bullet wound." I said sincerely. He pushed himself up.

"It's fine…" He breathed for a moment, with his hand lying gently on my leg.

"Are you sure?" I said nicely.

"Yeah."

"Good." I punched him in the face, severely throwing him off.

I jumped on top of him, sitting on his stomach so I would press down into his wound. I took out my knife as he grabbed my wrists again. His intense strength made the blade fall from my hand and clatter beside his head. I squeezed my legs together around his waist; he screamed.

But this time it was more anger than pain, if it was possible he was even angrier than I was. Or at least better at conveying that anger with his eyes. For a brief moment I was caught off guard because of the level of intensity from him; that moment was enough for him to make a final move. With all his strength, he turned me on my back and pressed me hard into the ground. My arms were pushed above my head with his rough hands. He sat on my stomach as I had done only moments before and my legs thrashed like wild fire making no progress.

I was wasting my energy and he knew it.

I didn't care. I was filled with a mix of wrath, anger, pain, and jealously. Nothing could stop me now except myself.

"Stop trying to kill me." He said through clenched teeth.

I struggled even more.

"You make me sick, Chavez."

"You are not murderous, Molly."

"GOD DAMMIT, I HATE YOU!"

He pressed more, practically laying on top of me.

"What the hell is going on?" Charley ran up behind us.

"I could hear you two hooligans a mile aways!" Billy said laughing and pulling Chavez off of me.

He didn't move, but continued glaring at me. His hair now falling into my face, I smelled his oils he bathed with. My heart churned with love and hatred.

Then, he got up and stormed off into the distance.

"Are you alright, Molly?" Steve said kindly, offering me his hand.

I looked up at him for a moment. He was only saying this because he hated Chavez.

"Shut the hell up Steve."

"God dammit Molly, I was just tryin' to help!"

Billy howled with laughter, "I think we interrupted a private moment boys."

(((Sorry for not updating sooner. I have been going through an internet fast so no one could spoil the ending of the new Harry Potter book by accident. BTW loved the book! Then, school started and I'm a senior so lots of things...and blah blah blah.)))


	15. Author's Note

It's been about two years since I've sat down and examined this story, but the way I've wanted to finish it has never left my mind. I read over it all again and I see mistakes and odd cheesy things I wrote out, but there were parts that amazed me. I can only hope that it feels as though I never stopped writing as I begin again. I wanted to release this to tell the people who have favorited this ongoing story that I will soon be updating it again. That way you can have a chance to familiarize yourselves with it again. I hate the idea of "author's notes" which usually involve kids being convinced they have written the most wonderful story in the entire world and thousands of readers worship them. So, I'm sorry for doing a chapter just of me talking to you guys, but I just wanted to tell you, because I would want someone to tell me. I'm working on it again and I've watched both of the films again. Please, reread the story and prepare for it's continuation, second part, and final conclusion.

Also, I'm sorry if the writing as changed any. Like I said, it has been two years.


	16. The Parting

The rest of the night we all sat in the most uncomfortable silences I had ever been apart of. It was exactly what I did not need right now, to be left alone with my thoughts…my ideas. Even Steve wasn't talking much. Just spitting that damn tobacco. It seemed everyone was slightly anxious. They could feel the amount of discourse and confusion in the air.

All I could do was inwardly fume. I wanted to run out into the desert and crawl up into a pathetic ball. All of this time I thought I was filled with bitterness and hatred towards everything, but I was wrong. That was only a small taste of how I feel now. I am emotionless. I am dead to those around me. I felt so betrayed and infuriated, it's like my body overloaded. I think in those moments when I was sitting around the campfire, my emotions became so intense that my body just shut them off.

This maddening idea fueled me and gave way to far more darkening contraptions. I felt like the most selfish of God's creations and I embraced it. Nothing I do will kindle the heart of another. I felt like living only for myself.

When this ends and Brady is dead, I will part with the others and live my secluded pathetic life as a murderer. Hopefully one day the law will hunt me down and kill me.

"Your actin' awfully quiet, Molly." Charley said absentmindedly.

As my villainous inner monologue suddenly ceased, I felt every eye turn on me, that is, except Chavez. He was staring deep into the campfire, just as I had been.

My dark thoughts were absurd and fueled by an anger I didn't know how to deal with. All I could was _be_ angry. Because thinking was being as it always is for me, far too complicated, and yet I still thought. My damn mind worked around me, tearing my self esteem to bits.

If I was to be honest to myself, then I needed to admit that I really miss Doc right now. I need someone to talk to. Goddamn that stupid Asian woman.

Eventually the silence broke with a crude joke or two and Billy, Steve, and Charley were back to normal. If only they could see the strong grip Billy had on them.

My entire body was numb. The apathy I was feeling worried me to no end, but I embraced it anyway. I felt downcast within the deepest chasms of my mind, but it's what I'm used to doing. Pondering over and over again what to do. The longer I sat and thought. The longer I realized how uncomfortable I was here. I realized how out of place I truly felt now.

Chavez didn't want me. It was obvious now, and I wish I had truly realized it long ago. So I wouldn't have foolishly pulled my own heart strings. Intense hatred burned in my veins.

My fingers absentmindedly played with my knife. It gave my fingers something to do. The dirt rustled around my boots, as I threw my hat on the ground rummaging my fingers through my short hair, like I usually do when I'm stressed and thinking.

Charlie's words rang in my head like a bell in an empty cathedral.

I am quiet. For the first time in my life, I think I will be quiet. Another crazy idea entered my head, an urge more like it.

Everything seemed pointless. I was maddened by what had happened to Tunstall and I felt every fiber in my being calling out to kill those Irishman. But I knew I couldn't do it here, not with them. Not with Chavez distracting me because of my damn feminine emotions. Really, I had always been alienated from them all. Chavez, Tunstall, and Doc were my only real connections. Tunstall was dead. Doc was in love and probably running of with that Asian woman and Chavez…Chavez would be leaving to California. I angrily convinced myself that I wouldn't want to go to God damn California even if that son of a bitch invited me, I'd rather stay in the mountains or on the plains. A sharp pain went to my chest as I thought of him._ No, Molly, you've got to stop. Don't think about him. You can't cry here. You can't cry in front of them._ I was right for once, I couldn't think about that now. The time for tears would come later, but how much longer would later be? I don't think I could stay here much longer. What to do….

I exasperated every option in my brain for what seemed like hours until I came towards an odd conclusion. Setting Sun. I could just leave here and run away towards the mountains where his reservation was. I could learn about _my_ people. _My_ purpose. Somehow I would make it up to Tunstall. I'd kill every damn bandit I saw on the way there. Tunstall would approve of that. I could make him proud that way. I could take up bounties to make money. Go by another name. Murderous Molly did have certain ring to it. I could leave all of this madness behind and start anew. Find a new place to belong, since I wasn't wanted here save for my skills with a rifle and pistol, which isn't really the worth of a human life. And I certainly didn't want to die after having barely lived much of one. God damn, I'm so miserable here.

I glanced up, gazing at each of their faces. Chavez had walked off into the darkness somewhere, but Billy and the others were staring into the campfire. The fire lit their faces. I could tell that Charley and Steve were terrified, but Billy looked madly eager. I didn't care about them. Not really. Not enough to die for them. Chavez and Doc perhaps, but Doc had left...and Chavez would probably leave in the night of to damn California. They wouldn't miss me too much, just my gun. I thought of my alternative again, my invitation.

Setting Sun, hopefully he wouldn't enforce a ridiculous marriage on me. That moron would take me in. Besides, something about a man who shows such kindness to someone he doesn't know at all is intriguing. If his people taught him that….if my people taught him that. Then, maybe there was something to Chavez's madness. I needed to find my own path. And my path wasn't here any longer. God, that sharp pain again. Behind all of my thoughts I heard myself screaming in the background, but I kept pushing it aside.

Suddenly, I stood up from the fireside, completely resolute in my actions. Billy jumped and pulled his gun on me.

"Shit, girl don't scare me like that."

I stared at him for a moment and then sat back down. He watched me as I looked back at him. That kid was a sharp as an icicle. Instantly, he could tell I needed to talk to him. So, he rather publicly announced that he needed to relieve himself and left. After a moment I followed.

I grabbed his arm and looked him square in the eye. "You're not going to like this."

"Shit. I knew it." You'd think he'd accidentally found out about his surprise birthday party.

I explained, "I've got to go."

"Man, don't give me that bullshit, Molly. You want Murphy dead just as badly as I do." He said exasperatingly.

"More than you do." I looked at the ground unable to meet his gaze.

"Don't leave just because of Chavez." Even Billy wasn't as blind and stupid as he appeared to be. It was all apart of his grand façade, I suppose, and made him all the more dangerous.

I let out a deep sigh at his remark.

"I'll die if I stay here."

"We'll probably all die, Molly." He said with his devious grin.

"My death will be worse…" He couldn't understand what I meant. I saw it in his confused blue eyes.

"Stop being so selfish, Molly. For Christ's sakes we need you!"

"Yeah, you do and I won't be able to do anything."

Billy glanced over at Chavez.

"Molly, please stay." He said. He had manipulated Chavez to stay, and that had made me so angry. Yet, here I was trying to convince him to let me do the same without him pitching a fit. I reach new lows everyday.

"I'll be a burden and a distraction."

He didn't look pleased, but he would have to accept this even if he couldn't understand it right now.

"Alright. But where are you going?"

I couldn't believe that Billy was seeing slight reason. My shocked face, made him immediately remark on it.

"Now, don't look at me like that. I reckon the idea of you not being killed isn't so bad." He gave me that infamous grin.

"Write me when this is over with. Tell me what happened and then give me a place where I can write you. That way if you ever do need me, I'll only be a letter away. But if _he_ is there, don't tell me to come."

He nodded and I gave him instructions and a name of the town nearest to the reservation Setting Sun lived.

"When are you leaving?"

"I'll wait until everyone is asleep. That way it won't cause much of a ruckus from the boys."

This is the only way. I have to remember this is the only logical thing to do. I have to separate myself from that which will cause me pain, knowing that Chavez would have left me to go and find a nice Indian woman to settle down with and start a god damn tribe, it would have crushed me if I had sat there and watched it happen. I owe it to Tunstall to kill Brady, but I'm already positive that Billy will do it for me.

I knew that later I'd feel horrible for leaving without saying goodbye, but my mind was too numb to comprehend the consequences. In the middle of the night while everyone was sleeping, I rose and called to Hurricane.

She was jumpy because a full moon was out. For some reason it always made her hyperactive, she became sensitive with the slightest touch. I was frightened she would be noisy as we left. Gently, I rubbed her nose and whispered in her ear to keep her calm. Then, I got that eerie feeling on the back of my neck. The feeling you get when you know someone is watching you.

_No. It couldn't be. _

"I hope this makes you happy." Chavez said behind me.

What an ass. Of course he'd want me to be happy, that way he wouldn't have to feel guilty once he found his stupid Indian squaw.

_Here is your chance, Molly. This is your moment to be cruel and stick him with the worst of your words. To leave him feeling guilty and hurt as you leave._

"What _you_ want means nothing to me." I turned slightly to look at him, hoping my words had pierced deeply. But in the end, as I turned to see his face unmoved in the slightest by my words, I realized I was only hurting myself. I was the only one who felt the dagger, he was just a vacant spectator.

I saddled Hurricane and looked at him once more.

That buffalo skin was still hanging around him. The light from the moon etched pale shadows across his dark features. His beauty stung even more as I gazed in that half second. What hurt was knowing he didn't think or feel the same. Knowing, when he looked at me he saw a friend he knew he shouldn't be around. Someone he did care for, but knew he didn't want to. That hurt more than anything else, I think. I knew somewhere inside of him he desired me, but he didn't want to. That only infuriated me.

Then, I noticed his eyes. I saw through his lie. In those dark coals I was too scared to look at for ages, I saw something horribly familiar. Rage. And it was directed right at me. Rage and utter disappointment. His words seemed like a gentle whisper compared to the screams coming from his eyes. I'd seen him give that stare to countless people before, but never this. Never to me. Never this intensity.

Now, I understood. Really, he was disgusted that I was leaving. In his head, he was right. He was absolute. I was wrong. I needed to deal with it. I needed to deal with my pain. I needed to put my feelings aside and think of everyone else. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't good enough. I just wasn't enough for him. Considering I was too much for myself, I don't see how I could be anymore for him.

I could practically hear his stern chastisement.

It's amazing how many thoughts can go through your head in half a second.

Because I was gone in a flash. Riding as far away from everyone as I possibly could. The wind beating around my face. Hurricane's rough breaths beneath me. The bitter tears flowing. She was ecstatic with the thrill of running so fast. Good. I hope she runs us off of a cliff.

And for a year, that was the last I saw of Jose Chavez y Chavez.


End file.
